Regret

Recently I found my way back to the God I once knew.

As I age, I design a battlement around myself; my soul, my happiness. I try not to feel or give as greatly as I did when I was a naive kid. I hug less, I offer to pray with strangers less. I just stopped being the little "sunny" girl I once was. That little optimistic, faithful kid got tired of the knocks and the belittling smiles. She got tired of the disappointments and the rejections. Those looks that said, "Oh, to have such a simple faith."

I can never go back and be that kid. But I rediscovered the trust and knowledge that God is with me. The hope I once had is still tenuous. Its there, the once brave flame is not quite as bright, but is not extinguished.

I may never again be that "sunny" girl, but I can grip the God I love with both hands and be a woman who lives my "simple" faith out loud, with little care for recrimination or looks of condescension.

Hourly I remind myself that God is here, is present and at hand. Hourly I must remind myself, because I still try and protect myself even from God. Hourly I try and wrench control of my life. Hourly I worry and fume and anger seeps from my pores. So- hourly my soul chants "He hears me; He sees me; 'I am my Beloved's and He is mine.'"
I live a life with no regret. I cannot regret what makes me who I am. I cannot regret what brought me to this place of flickering faith. I will not regret.

Enjoy?

What do I enjoy about New York?

Going to school to eventually do the 'thing' I've wanted to do for a while.The mystic: you know! Everywhere you go its New York. Walking down the street, going to the park, everything is just very New York. I like that. I like the seasons: the leaves changing, the snow, the flowering trees. The museums, the book stores, the history and the multicultural perspectives (whatever that happens to be). The different languages spoken all over. Russian, Yiddish, Spanish, Portugese, Italian, and different dialects of Chinese. And there's the native accents. I like the boroughs. The subway. Central Park. The Statue of liberty. The marina's and beaches. The stores (everywhere). The food! Though it has its good and bad side, I enjoy the pride that all the NY-kers take in being in NY. I love our church. It's not necessarily that southern sort of friendly but its a place of truth and compassion and light. It's benevolent and holy. I like that. I learn from it, I grow out of it. I enjoy being near my family. I enjoy alot of things and I enjoy this time. I know (at least I think I know) that I won't be here for long, so I enjoy being here, being in NY.

Thanks for asking Jocelyn.

Spring Break Happy Thoughts

Pictures at the nursing home
Charity
Phase-Ten with my Sister
Losing… and winning
Measuring faces
Jessica
Seeing Kate
Me and Jess @ Sara's
Nic & Krystal
Sable and Samson
Broken puppies
Arkansas
Jack
Story time
Auntie Dani
Seeing the new house, new church and new baby
Being at 'Church'
Chris and Jess
Learning more about love and friendship
Hearing truth
Navigating
Being more appreciative
Tyler
Nic
Good Friday
the Greenhouse
Claw-foot tubs
Dallas
Snow in Texas
'my' red sweater
Ft. Worth
Winged buffalo smoking
Jessica
Fajitas
Nacogdoches
My Sister
Movies
Scrabble and cards with the Castles
Laughter
Table troubles
Walking the Big Dam Bridge
Krystal
Pancakes
Bluebonnets
Driving
Big sky
Boundaries
Baptisms
Day Spring
Laughing
Talking
Talking
Talking

Where I'm at.

Where am I?
I'm still trying to figure it out.I think that might be a theme for my life.I start nursing school (fingers crossed) in Feb. It will be an Associates degree in nursing. That should only take me through the summer of 2008 to finish. I'm putting off the PT thing. I need to be a nurse first. Then I can work and save to move to the ideal locale of Seattle. God knows I can't stay in NY.I come to like it a little more each day. A miniscule, a little more.It's not friendly, and I need socialization, community.I'm taking steps. I am going to a church I like. Will eventually join. Then I will also be a part of the weekly home groups. That should give me an anchor, a community. Because unlike most churches I have been to, no one wants to talk. They come to learn and be fed to praise God. Not- to visit and get to know those around them. That would be eegads- southern.
New Yorkers are autonomous. They don't look outside themselves if they can help it. No wonder crime here has no witness. No one looks around to try and help.So I'm still me- taking the Dog to the park, taking my mom to work, cooking, shopping etc for the fam. Cleaning the house. Reading. little odds and ends that help break up the monotony.I am trying to be more grateful. To see the beauty in the moments, as a friend once said. And to break the habits I have reverted too since moving home. Those adolescent, I-don't-know-who-I-am habits that make rebellion the first course of action.
I do know who I am and I need to grab that girl and shake her from time to time. God bless.

Being

"Fear not for the future, weep not for the past." ~

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Right now I am just being. I go jogging with Rollo and mom. I weed the front yard (more like a big flower bed). Eventually I'll replace some of the tiles in the bathroom. I do laundry and buy groceries. I help my mom out with some of her lesson plans. Keep the house clean and cook a few times a week. I play fetch, and wrestle with Rollo. This weekend we're sanding and staining the entry way steps, and retiling the landing. I help out where needed. There isn't a real time crunch about much but my days fill up. I'm not up to a whole lot and I have to say it's nice. I start more hardcore classes next semester and yet I don't feel pressured. Maybe it's knowing that the road ahead is just that ahead. I've decided to stop looking back and wishing I had done things differently, done school differently. I am thankful for the path that brought me here, and I look forward to what lies ahead.

La vie en vie, et aimer.
Live life, and love.

Fear

Change can leave you afraid. I don't know what I fear, the unknown? Failure? But I have been afraid these last days. Afraid to take that next step. To commit to the future. I have been praying... but still afraid.
But, somehow, today I am not afraid. There have been hard times in my life, as in everyone's. But in all honesty I haven't ever had to sustain determination for any real length of time. I've rarely had to invest and not be sure of the dividends. I haven't tried that hard. Here in front of me is a goal. The goal, I know it. And it looks to take a substantial amount of time, mostly uphill and mostly difficult. I will be 32 when I finish PT school. It feels like I am starting over again.
Fear espouses doubt and this sense of never...
Never finishing, never really being able, never being, never, never. Fear is the enemy of gratitude. It is the enemy of hope, it is the enemy of productive individuals everywhere.
SO, Let's rise up! There will be no fear today, there will be appreciation of those who support us, there will be accomplishment, there will be an embarking. Steps will be taken TODAY! Hope came home today! And fear has run the other way!

Hope came home
Home to me today
And fear has run the other way
And words are weak
You don't know how to say
You know I still believe in you
And should my dreams fall through
I will be safe with you
And with every breath I can breathe
I'll sing about how you love me
I'll sing about how you love me

Gotta love BEBO!!

Looking around...

Every place I have lived (save for the Golden Triangle) I have found something good: the weather, the people, or the experience. Something along those lines that makes is special, redeemable.

Here in Brooklyn...
I love being with my family, though I fight many, many pride issues trying hard not to fall into patterns of the "child." My parents have been great. But they will always be the parents and I the child, even if I am an adult.
The weather is wonderful, much cooler than the Texas heat. Although the humidity isn't that much different from the Houston area. We live a mile or so from the water. So fun.
It's dirty. Not filthy or anything just normal city dirty. One morning I took the dog out and forgot to put on my shoes. I was walking on the sidewalk, (which I have done in every other town I've lived in) when this woman walked by and made a "that's so gross" face at me. I looked around at the ground and thought she's right. I washed my feet thoroughly.
In the South most of us are taught to be polite. If you make eye contact in Texas you smile and say "hi." One of the first times I walked the dog here, lots of people were out on their stoops and me being me, I said "hi" and smiled to each person. And in almost every case the response I got was a look of either surprise or indifference. At the store I said "hi" to the checkout girl and said "thank you" when she handed me my change. Needless to say she looked at me as if I was an odd duck. It's laughable. Sincerely.

One really cool thing is the neighborhoods. They are real neighborhoods. My parents know there neighbors and their lineage. Both are Italian and our landlord's mother (a little Chinese lady whom my parents dubbed "Grandma") lives down stairs. She doesn't speak English, but she is always trying to communicate. A little sign language and good inflection and we sometimes understand each other (I think). It's a heavily Asian and Russian-Jewish community around us. I walked Rollo on Friday and heard the words of the Kiddush. I saw this family gathered around the table, sharing in the observation of a lineage of faith. It was so cool. The diversity is just so beautiful.
It's not the South, with its openness and warmth. But its home for now, and it's special.