Regret

Recently I found my way back to the God I once knew.

As I age, I design a battlement around myself; my soul, my happiness. I try not to feel or give as greatly as I did when I was a naive kid. I hug less, I offer to pray with strangers less. I just stopped being the little "sunny" girl I once was. That little optimistic, faithful kid got tired of the knocks and the belittling smiles. She got tired of the disappointments and the rejections. Those looks that said, "Oh, to have such a simple faith."

I can never go back and be that kid. But I rediscovered the trust and knowledge that God is with me. The hope I once had is still tenuous. Its there, the once brave flame is not quite as bright, but is not extinguished.

I may never again be that "sunny" girl, but I can grip the God I love with both hands and be a woman who lives my "simple" faith out loud, with little care for recrimination or looks of condescension.

Hourly I remind myself that God is here, is present and at hand. Hourly I must remind myself, because I still try and protect myself even from God. Hourly I try and wrench control of my life. Hourly I worry and fume and anger seeps from my pores. So- hourly my soul chants "He hears me; He sees me; 'I am my Beloved's and He is mine.'"
I live a life with no regret. I cannot regret what makes me who I am. I cannot regret what brought me to this place of flickering faith. I will not regret.