Regret

Recently I found my way back to the God I once knew.

As I age, I design a battlement around myself; my soul, my happiness. I try not to feel or give as greatly as I did when I was a naive kid. I hug less, I offer to pray with strangers less. I just stopped being the little "sunny" girl I once was. That little optimistic, faithful kid got tired of the knocks and the belittling smiles. She got tired of the disappointments and the rejections. Those looks that said, "Oh, to have such a simple faith."

I can never go back and be that kid. But I rediscovered the trust and knowledge that God is with me. The hope I once had is still tenuous. Its there, the once brave flame is not quite as bright, but is not extinguished.

I may never again be that "sunny" girl, but I can grip the God I love with both hands and be a woman who lives my "simple" faith out loud, with little care for recrimination or looks of condescension.

Hourly I remind myself that God is here, is present and at hand. Hourly I must remind myself, because I still try and protect myself even from God. Hourly I try and wrench control of my life. Hourly I worry and fume and anger seeps from my pores. So- hourly my soul chants "He hears me; He sees me; 'I am my Beloved's and He is mine.'"
I live a life with no regret. I cannot regret what makes me who I am. I cannot regret what brought me to this place of flickering faith. I will not regret.

Enjoy?

What do I enjoy about New York?

Going to school to eventually do the 'thing' I've wanted to do for a while.The mystic: you know! Everywhere you go its New York. Walking down the street, going to the park, everything is just very New York. I like that. I like the seasons: the leaves changing, the snow, the flowering trees. The museums, the book stores, the history and the multicultural perspectives (whatever that happens to be). The different languages spoken all over. Russian, Yiddish, Spanish, Portugese, Italian, and different dialects of Chinese. And there's the native accents. I like the boroughs. The subway. Central Park. The Statue of liberty. The marina's and beaches. The stores (everywhere). The food! Though it has its good and bad side, I enjoy the pride that all the NY-kers take in being in NY. I love our church. It's not necessarily that southern sort of friendly but its a place of truth and compassion and light. It's benevolent and holy. I like that. I learn from it, I grow out of it. I enjoy being near my family. I enjoy alot of things and I enjoy this time. I know (at least I think I know) that I won't be here for long, so I enjoy being here, being in NY.

Thanks for asking Jocelyn.

Spring Break Happy Thoughts

Pictures at the nursing home
Charity
Phase-Ten with my Sister
Losing… and winning
Measuring faces
Jessica
Seeing Kate
Me and Jess @ Sara's
Nic & Krystal
Sable and Samson
Broken puppies
Arkansas
Jack
Story time
Auntie Dani
Seeing the new house, new church and new baby
Being at 'Church'
Chris and Jess
Learning more about love and friendship
Hearing truth
Navigating
Being more appreciative
Tyler
Nic
Good Friday
the Greenhouse
Claw-foot tubs
Dallas
Snow in Texas
'my' red sweater
Ft. Worth
Winged buffalo smoking
Jessica
Fajitas
Nacogdoches
My Sister
Movies
Scrabble and cards with the Castles
Laughter
Table troubles
Walking the Big Dam Bridge
Krystal
Pancakes
Bluebonnets
Driving
Big sky
Boundaries
Baptisms
Day Spring
Laughing
Talking
Talking
Talking