Waiting...

Long story short, I waited in an airport rental car agency for around 5 hours. It was one of those very 'me' situations and a hell of a long day. Early on in the evening I realized I would be stranded well into the night. I sit down to wait and have this overwhelming need to be rescued, immediately. Not rescued in five hours, not in three, but now. This need was so intense that tears welled in my eyes. I urgently wanted someone to save me from this situation. This need went against all my self-imposed constructs, all that I try to maintain.
I don’t ask for help. My reason’s span a spectrum from distrust and fear to basic pride. I cope. It’s what I do and generally, especially in a crisis, I keep a cool head. It’s only after the immediate threat is vanquished that I scream, yell or emote.
I trust my family, if it is within their power to help me they will. I trust God, I ask him for help all the time. God is there. He answers, listens or comes to me. Always, even if I am unaware or don’t ‘feel’ it. I trust in that. With other people, even friends, there is this fear. Fear that the answer to my request for help will be a portal into the way they value me. Am I a priority? Do I count? Would you make time to be there for me? Maybe, maybe not. To protect myself I unconsciously constructed these rules: Go to family first. Weigh all possible outcomes. Don’t ask for help when you aren’t sure of the outcome. Make sure that when you do ask, that the situation doesn’t sound as dire as it is. Don’t ask for help from people you know well. Even then "ASK" has a little red caution sign attached that reads "at your own risk."
When, for various reasons, I couldn’t find anyone to pick me up, my constructs did me no good. They fell away and to my horror I realized that they were actually hiding me not protecting me. I saw that I wanted something very basic. Something, in fact, very cliché. I wanted another person to see me as valuable. And here, in my time of vulnerability, disappointment and strandedness, I wanted that value to outrank obligations, commitments and distance.
Hours later I was picked up by a good friend of mine. The next day I kicked caution to the curb and went on my road trip anyway. On the way I re-examined my waiting experience. I admitted. I want what poets and Kings and farmers and wanderers have wanted for centuries. And it scares the hell out of me to admit it. But it frees me, too.