Next week I start my in-hospital semester in nursing (the first of four). Over the last couple of months I have realized some good things. A person can change. I am not sure I allow change in others that often. And I have trouble finding the faith to believe that change can happen in me. About a month ago I started praying. I don't actually remember what the prayer was about or how God and I ended up where we did. But I left that tête-à-tête with the thought that God can in fact move me to change. These changes are not monumental, though at times, I feel like they make all the difference.
Small things, like doing the tasks that are set before me, getting to bed earlier, being more consistent in my daily life. Struggles that I thought were just part of me, part of my nature. And while none of these previous characteristics are bad, they don’t allow me to feel like the person I know I am.
I didn’t feel bad per-se, but I feel better now. I’m also learning to stop speaking. Well to stop speaking without thinking. To just shut-up and wait. Lo and behold better responses are put forth. Maybe it’s age, or having lived, seen, and loved. Then again, I think it’s just learning to trust God again. To trust him in a way that I’m not sure I ever have. Not blindly, with the naïve hope of an idealist. Although there is some of that perspective present. Not fortified, with hardness around the hope, guarding my heart from the one who formed it. No, instead I find myself wanting to live a life that is full. Not a life that is just lived. Everyone lives their lives. What’s so special about that, where is the beauty in that? If I can live my life full of love, passion, pursuit, and joy… If I can trust God with my life, then I will live a life that is not mine at all. And that life will be full, hopeful and determinedly lived. Doing with joy all that my hand finds to do, and doing only for God. That will be a life that is a gift, to the Giver and to me.
The Cool Factor
10 years ago