All of my friends love me, I don't doubt this. But truthfully I don't often feel significant to them. Maybe it's being thousands of miles away, I'm not sure. People are sometimes fickle.
I don't know what I do to run them off, but off they run. One said I needed her too much and it was all she could do being needed as a single mom. I understood and thought she just needed some time, but even now our calls are strained. Another said I was too intense and made her feel too much. We were all we had for so long and it hurt tremendously to let go when we moved apart. So now she didn't want to get in deep again. Some don't say anything at all, they just move away and the time and energy it takes to keep in touch isn't worth it. I don't know...
Today it just jumped up at me from a blog page, and I realized I am and never will be anyones best anything.(Okay God, I know I'm your girl... but I mean here on earth nella carne.) I have often felt I will never be any guy's significant other. And today after realizing I was just an unimportant fluffer friend, I got it! If you make yourself vulnerable to people, you love them too much, or you care more then they care, you might just end up alone.
as I am writing I have an epiphany--------------------
I think, in some way, if I accept this I might break through a wall, being able to be a more humble servant of God.
Is that weird? Weird, that I am sitting here coming to grips with something really hard and hurtful, and yet these thoughts that if I just let go I could be someone better pop into my head? These thoughts have allowed me to stop tearing up and breathe deeply.
Would that mean that I am meant to care less? Or could it mean that if I let go I could love and care just as much, only I wouldn't need to look to them for any assurance of my worth? God, I hope so.
God, please let me do that. Let me be a better Danielle. A girl who can stand on her own. A girl who could love from the depths of my being, and not need or expect the love of others in return. Let me break through.
Disclaimer: (Note from my wise mother.) I tend to be hard on myself. Sometimes placing high expectations on myself, and also on the ones I love. I love hard and I am hard to please. It's what makes me what some call an "all or nothin' kinda gal." Hmmm, maybe I should have an epiphany about this too. God? Anything, anything? Maybe this is work that needs to take place on a different day. ;>
