Manila Tuesday

argumentative

2009-03-22T17:33:00.009-04:00

I think I must be an antiestablishmentarian at heart. It was probably passed down to me from my parents... who, as they age are less rebellious in action, but still 70's children, free-thinkers at heart. Which leads to this discussion.

Holidays are just a date, unless meaning is applied to them. Ceremony, remembrance and dedication are made on certain days to commemorate something important in life or history.
Birthdays for example are slightly ridiculous. You didn't choose to be born on that day, but as children you are bamboozled by society into believing you should be rewarded on this day for just living (no designation on how or to what purpose you live, you just didn't die this year... go you!). I have nothing against celebrating birthdays. Unless you decide to turn your child into a greedy self-centered monster, by inviting everyone he knows to some outlandish party. Therefore asking each of these children to cater to your monster with gifts... I could go on but you see where I'm headed. You told your child that on this one day of the year you can be a selfish greedy little wildebeest and everybody else has to be okay with this and pay him homage. So when these little dears grow up they are either A) selfcentered big wildebeests or B) self pitying people who don't understand why the world doesn't spoil them like mommy and daddy did.
I'm sure there's a middle ground between not celebrating it (which makes your child feel left out when compared to his fellows) and the spoilt-y adult failure scenario. Please find it, for the sanity of the rest of us!

So... when traditional holidays come around I tend to want to be with my family, but generally Holiday's are just that... excuses to see family. Some holidays I like better than others & some have more value to me than others. For instance: Easter... without the bunnies and baskets, and Christmas, but Santa's not on my good list.
I love the fall and the family time of Thanksgiving. However I can't get behind the ridiculous story of the pilgrims and the Indians sitting down together to enjoy the fruits of their combined labor, because my friends (historically speaking) that is not at all the way it happened. Even with this bogus legend surrounding this holiday I still appreciate that Thanksgiving was declared a national holiday by President Lincoln in an effort to bring together a torn nation during the civil war. That's admirable. However, it was originally supposed to be a day that we give thanks for the "union" or government. Not a day set aside to give thanks to God and remember his many gifts to us alone. This doesn't mean that I don't do that... but I'd rather do that every week, not just during the third one in November.
I also really like St. Patrick's day. A) Of all the St.'s Patrick is one of my faves (and no I'm not catholic, but I do have a healthy respect for the saints that have come before me). B) The holiday was declared in an effort to stop prejudice against the huge influx of Irish immigrants that came to the US in the 1840's. C) I'm a sliver Irish. So it's in my blood. And frivolously D) I love green!
So earlier this month when I made a comment on a networking site about St. Patrick's Day being more legitimate than say Thanksgiving, I caught some flack about it. People commenting that St. Patrick's Day was just an excuse to get drunk and wear green. Or saying that evidently I'm not walking with my savior by stating that the historical legitimacy of Thanksgiving is bogus (not verbatim). I decided not to be argumentative on the site, and instead state my side here.

A holiday may have spiritual validity because you, as someone of faith gives it such. Just as a person without said faith base will give a different meaning to the same holiday i.e. Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, etc. We live in a society where the world is the way you see it (another rant is gurgling forth, but I'll save it for another day). However, the historical basis for the creation of said holiday is not relative. This day was set aside as a holiday for a specific reason years ago. And so to say that some holiday's have more historical legitimacy than others does not mean that they have more or less spiritual validity. In other words, back off my Christian brothers and sisters! Read the actual words that are written, without the connotation gleaned looking down from your high horse.

That's all for now folks!

Today

2009-02-09T19:02:00.003-05:00

I just finished an extra long day at the hospital and my feet hurt. Though this day's patient was a complicated post-op case and I'm tired, I'm also blissfully content. I gave the best care I could today. I was on my toes, caught a few things and learned a whole lot. I was no super-nurse but the 87 year old Italian man in my care did ask me out to dinner when he gets better. Also at the end of the day his family affirmed and encouraged me in my call as a nurse. So yes, I may be busy, hard to get in touch with, and tired alot these days... but I'm also happy.

Random

2008-09-23T15:21:00.004-04:00

Do you ever feel like the word scramble comment verification is more like an IQ test? I'm always baffled. I get a touch nervous. How can typing recognized letters of the English alphabet be done incorrectly. And yet it happens. I think I'm developing "verify comment" anxiety.

NEWS!!

2008-09-05T23:38:00.005-04:00

So good news, Mom got a job yesterday!! She is now a special-ed teacher for pre-k. She had her first day today! She was tuckered out by the little 3-5 year olds. The kids are an integrated mix of high functioning special ed. (like autism, mild retardation, or learning disabled) and your average little munchkins. She taught middle school before, so this is very different. Mom thinks it's refreshing, teaching them before they start to believe that they are stupid, or dumb. A lot less baggage with the little ones. She really enjoys it, and the kids really liked her today. So awesome!
I've been praying that she would want to work again. She needed to recuperate after her back surgery last summer and all the drama from her last teaching assignment. Since she finished her masters I just hoped she find direction. Thanks G!
More good news I start my clinicals next week. School has started and I've had seminar and some training, but the actual in-hospital stuff happens soon. It is so cool! I feel like a dork, but I love reading all this stuff and learning! It's just so exciting.
Probably won't get around to updating much, but will try! No promises.
Still trying to do what my hands find to do with all my might. Not always successful, sometimes the lazyness just creeps in. But better. Still pray alot about my attitude. Instead of whistling while I work, I catch myself grumbling. So I pray, and it works. Can't let a seed of bitterness take root. So... all is well.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a
life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw

I like this one from Shaw too!

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Recently

2008-08-20T16:10:00.003-04:00

Next week I start my in-hospital semester in nursing (the first of four). Over the last couple of months I have realized some good things. A person can change. I am not sure I allow change in others that often. And I have trouble finding the faith to believe that change can happen in me. About a month ago I started praying. I don't actually remember what the prayer was about or how God and I ended up where we did. But I left that tête-à-tête with the thought that God can in fact move me to change. These changes are not monumental, though at times, I feel like they make all the difference.
Small things, like doing the tasks that are set before me, getting to bed earlier, being more consistent in my daily life. Struggles that I thought were just part of me, part of my nature. And while none of these previous characteristics are bad, they don’t allow me to feel like the person I know I am.
I didn’t feel bad per-se, but I feel better now. I’m also learning to stop speaking. Well to stop speaking without thinking. To just shut-up and wait. Lo and behold better responses are put forth. Maybe it’s age, or having lived, seen, and loved. Then again, I think it’s just learning to trust God again. To trust him in a way that I’m not sure I ever have. Not blindly, with the naïve hope of an idealist. Although there is some of that perspective present. Not fortified, with hardness around the hope, guarding my heart from the one who formed it. No, instead I find myself wanting to live a life that is full. Not a life that is just lived. Everyone lives their lives. What’s so special about that, where is the beauty in that? If I can live my life full of love, passion, pursuit, and joy… If I can trust God with my life, then I will live a life that is not mine at all. And that life will be full, hopeful and determinedly lived. Doing with joy all that my hand finds to do, and doing only for God. That will be a life that is a gift, to the Giver and to me.

Christian the Lion

2008-08-04T16:43:00.004-04:00

Soon, I will catch up with my summer blogging. But for the moment, I can't seem to get up the verve to write anything of any length.
I did come across this in an email, and it was so sweet, it made me laugh.

To read more about Christian the Lion

Posted using ShareThis

Batman!

2008-06-27T00:33:00.001-04:00

I just saw my first in-cinema preview for The Dark Knight!! I got goosebumps.

I was with Nic and Krystal, we were seeing Get Smart. Which was actually pretty decent. I laughed long and hard a couple of times, and chuckled a dozen or so more.

http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com/
Someone asked me once why Batman was my favorite male superhero, and my answer was the following.
a) He's just a guy. He doesn't have superpowers. He's just a guy who saw a need and filled it. And his reluctance and confliction over this choice is the essence of being human.
b) He's dark. We all have darkness within us. Its the distance and the hurdles we overcome to find our way into the light that's the beauty of humanity.

I know you say, this is Batman! Come on! But, seriously that's why I love comic book movies, the hero's are just men or women (ok sometimes with superpowers), and the battles are universal. We all fight against evil, either in ourselves or in our world; or we let it take over. Granted real life is not generally as black and white as heroes and villains, but the fight is real. You are either on one side or the other; in little decisions, in big decisions, all day long.

Tradition

2008-06-26T11:00:00.004-04:00

It's tradition now, that everytime I stay with Nic and Krystal we make Pancakes. These are the homemade kind. They are Martha Stewart's Best Buttermilk Pancakes.
This visit they were kind enough to let me stay in their new apartment even though most of their belongings were still in Arkansas. In fact we cooked all week without the help of a zester, a mixer, a broom, a mallet (for tenderizing) or more than one cutting board. And it was great. We ate like kings all week!
I love when I stay with Nic and Krystal! This time was even more special for two reasons. One: Krystal is finished with residency and has yet to start at her new practice, so I got to see her all day, all the time! Two: They are in Texas!
Krystal and Nic are both laid back, which as a house guest is really relaxing to be around. Last year I nearly ruined their dining room table with nail polish remover and even though I did fix it, they were totally unfazed. I mean I'm a klutz, so when I visit others it sometimes hard not to break things. I was at my sisters and broke one of her bowls the second morning I was there. It's some kind of disorder I think.
So back to the pancakes. We are whipping up the batch when things start to hit the fan. We are making the cakes when I just got up (not early, but I did just get up.) Which any klutzy person will tell you is your peak time for mishaps, that or when you are really tired, or angry, or aren't a peak focus capability.
Anyhoo, the bag of sugar we need is right next to me on top of the refrigerator. So I grab it and drop the bag on the floor. And sugar spills everywhere! And Krystal and I just look at each other. I then say, "I really wish you had a broom." And Krystal breaks out into hysterics, and I do to, seeing as my left foot is almost buried in sugar and there is no broom in the house. Practical thinker that Dr. Castle is she and I take a couple of paper towels and wipe all the sugar to the other side of the kitchen. Nic has said he will go get a broom after breakfast. We continue to make the cakes. Krystal is breaking the last two eggs into a small bowl to whisk. The first is fine, but the second wreaks after she breaks it into the bowl. The egg is rotten! Foiled again. So that's it, we have to go to the store. We need a broom and eggs. Mid pancake construction we run to the store.
Eventually the pancakes are made and eaten with gusto. I did smoke up the apartment a little, but that's to be expected when working on stove tops you are not familiar with, right!? Still we had some great pancakes, great fellowship, and a lot of laughs! What a great tradition: Pancakes and Jeopardy with the Castle's.

Run away!

2008-06-12T23:39:00.005-04:00

Today at Jeni's we were gardening in the front yard. As I was watering the newly planted zinnias a tall and attractive man asked me if his dog could have a drink from the water hose. Sure I said. He was cute, tall and we were talking about his ten month old golden- life was sweet. Jen came around the house and saw that we were both fumbling with the hose trying to get the golden to drink. The guy started a bit when he saw Jen, but was still nice. Then Jen said she'd run inside and get a bowl. When she came back out she said "we" (her and Patrick) have a lab out back and started talking about their dogs. He let the dog drink for a minute then started saying thanks and quickly pulling away. Jen and I looked at each other confusedly. He stood at the end of his dog's tether impatiently, not making eye contact like before. As soon as the pooch's thirst was slaked he turned and walked speedily away. I put my head down and started watering again wondering what I did to turn him off. Jen came back out and said that she was sorry that she had come around and scared him off. Why would Jen scare him off I thought? I mean little Jen, scare off my big good looking dog walker, come on. We reviewed what had happened and Jen realized that he had started to turn tail as soon as she had said "we have a lab out back..." He thought we were a lesbian couple. I turned and yelled down the street, "Come back, I'm not gay!" He was long gone by this time of course. The times we live in!! Probably half an hour later we saw a woman dog-walker and I raised my voice asking, "have you seen a guy with a dog running from lesbians?" She was a distance away, so she just looked at me curiously unsure If I had been addressing her. Laughter flowed freely.
Later Patrick, Jen and I lay in their beautiful yard, laughing, as passers-by stared from car windows. We were evidently deranged for laying in the yard. I mean we all know the front yard is not to be enjoyed. Oh, no. You manicure it, look at it from the other side of windows, and use the cutting of it as a form of one-ups-man-ship between neighbors. Well, not today. Today we were giddy, young and happy. We ran through the sprinklers. We lay in the grass, got bit by ant and mosquito alike. We enjoyed the fruits of our sweat and sprinkling. We drank from the cup of friendship, passing the bread of conversation, all under the branches of a broken ash.

Girlfriends!

2008-06-11T18:17:00.001-04:00

Kristy, Jeni and I were together again! I can't describe the vastness of what was spoken or put to paper the depth of the words, but I can tell you it was beautiful. We were girls and we were women. We didn't have to explain where we had come from or justify our emotions. We didn't have to establish who we are and what our hearts look like. We laughed at old jokes and new ones. We were three girls who have become women, and who will always be girlfriends.

God blessed each of us with each other. Each of us so different yet so masterfully placed together, giving us the courage to love and trust one another. I am so proud to be counted in the lives of these beautiful women.

Done

2008-06-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

I'm done waiting. I'm done making calls and hoping that I'll get a call back. I am done allowing myself to be hurt or feel lesser.
I thought it would hurt to take this step. It seems that my pride, not my heart, has taken the biggest kicking. I thank God that he has allowed me to take this step, and that he allowed the hurt to subside. I don't even miss it. I feel a little drained and vulnerable, but not pained. I stood up for me, and the little barbs to my heart have stopped.

Angry Church

2008-06-10T21:46:00.000-04:00

I went to a church this Summer and was very turned off. Usually I can find a little perspective in a sermon, even one I don't fundamentally agree with, that allows me to learn something about God. I realized after the first few minutes that the beliefs of this congregation were much more fundamental than mine. So most of what occurred, I was ready to deal with. I mean when you put Jesus and the bible on the same rung of the Trinity, I kind of know what's coming next. You know?
So, the passage was in Genesis. A hard one two, so I had empathy for the pastor. He went on to give several perspectives on the interpretation (slightly boring), but at least showing he was well-prepared. I talked myself out of being irritated when the interpretation he aligned himself with painted women as basically evil, pleasure seekers without a way to say no to temptation (i.e. sex with angelic men). Either that mind you, or the women were demon-possessed, without the ability to make decisions for themselves etc.
I grimly tolerated the underlying perspective "us (the Christians) against them (the World)". Christians looking down on the lost. How quickly we forget. We too are lost and found through a work that is not our own doing. I mean, hello! We're saved... through Christ!! They're lost, what more can be said, do you want them to act like they're found or something? What have you been smokin'? We are not better, we are in relationship with God. Anyway, I thought I had myself in hand. (I was perhaps mistaken in re-reading above paragraph.)

The pastor was trying to drive home the idea that in all generations are evil-doers who do not honor God. Good to know. In one of the illustrations he used Kathy Griffin as an example.

Then all hell broke loose... quietly, inside my own head!
First of all, I wasn't one of the many Christians who got hot under the collar when she made her Emmy speech. I actually didn't care that much. I felt sad for her. One comedienne not giving credit to God for her award isn't going to shatter my faith, nor will it challenge the enormity and omnipotence of God.
Secondly, while I didn't find her funny, she is a comedienne. Right? So may hap this was a very in your face attempt at humor. Or maybe she was trying to raise the hackles or the right wing public? Whatever the reason, surely one person not giving God credit on TV is about the same as other actors, athletes and people thanking God for their awards, while not allowing him to reign in their lives.
I do understand however, that if you feel that God really is offended by Kathy, then it is your job to defend God... wait, sorry I had to take a break so I could stop laughing. I mean come on us defend God!
Anyhoo, back to the sermon.
When discussing this whole debacle, the pastor says that if he were God he would send down a lightening bolt to rip that young women in half. I still get queasy just thinking about it. So in his view misrepresenting God is worthy of death. Hmmm. And not just falling down dead, but lightening bolt rending the body in two dead. What the hell?
My church background is a little different than most people. I grew up believing that sinner and human are interchangeable nouns. That God loves us all and it's in that love he disciplines, communes and meets us where we are. I mean did or did not God send his Son to die for us all, sinners? SINNERS!! That means you, me, the person next to you. Why the judgement, why the hate? She didn't threaten my relationship with the creator, who does? I just didn't get it. If she sinned in not giving God the glory, then surely the pastor sinned in wishing that woman dead? So can you see the logic, someone help me here! I don't know... as you can see I'm still having trouble letting this go.
And around the time alarms were going off in my head and my stomach was hoping I'd get up and leave, I realized my friends had stopped paying attention. How could you sit there and not be at least a little piqued by the weirdness? Maybe I'd just had enough and this one thing finally sunk me, who knows? I entertained the thought of leaving. But how would I explain my actions to my friends without offending their church and pastor, whom they truly liked. Instead when the service was over, I stormed out ahead of them walking over flowerbeds, squelching tears of anger and trying to get a handle on my (ha, ha) righteous furry.
Who knows? Maybe we all want to send lightening bolts down from heaven?
Thank God, we're not God.

Water Babies

2008-06-10T15:21:00.002-04:00

Today Kris, Dave and I went to their community pool. We all swam. I had forgotten what a great workout swimming is. Amazingly Dave did 45 laps, thats like 3 miles!! Kristy, in her expectant state, did 15! And I my friends did 5. Not bad for no swimming in the last couple of years. I alternated between using arms only or legs only most of the time, but hey I did complete the laps. Afterwards I did my favorite in water activity, floating.

Floating is usually the first thing a child learns. I've always thought it such a beautiful activity. You are almost weightless, skimming the surface of the water. You slow and control your breathing and then let go. Its a very contemplative practice.

A sidenote, really pregnant women don't float well. No lie, I mean normal thinking would be that the baby would help you float, but it didn't. Crazy right!

Soon...

2008-05-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

I am now on an extended trip around Texas and eventually all the way up to Washington and back. So blogs will be forthcoming when I get a little time to update. For now I am journaling and will be back online at the end of the summer.

Love to all, Danielle.

6 Things

2008-05-08T13:03:00.006-04:00

Okay 6 random things that Jess tagged me for, so here goes...
6. Yesterday I was called by a friend who needed a little TLC. She had to have her cat put to sleep by long distance. I was glad that she called me and I could be her friend in that moment. The couple of hours before her call I had been in a wierd egocentric tailspin. Her loss helped me to regain focus and shake off the histrionics. Later, when I told her that her loss had helped me readjust, she had a good laugh. That's always a good thing- laughing through tears.

5. The last couple of weeks I have been a phone junkie. I have been calling my friends alot! And then we have been having long (wonderful) conversations! The thing about this is, that in the lulls, I itch for a friend fix. I've even been calling my sister (whom I usually only talk to once a week) everyday! I'm jones'in for the talkie!

4. The hair on the right side of my head is a half an inch shorter than the left side. I don't like this, but I am doing my best not to chop on my hair. My mantra, "just let it grow, let it grow."

3. I hope against hope that Whitney will win America's Next Top Model! I think that it's time for a normal sized woman to win. Anya is a total airhead!
AND I really didn't like Saleisha from last season. I think it was a scam because she went to Tyra's self-esteem camp years previous. I wanted Jenah to win!

2. I am so excited to be traveling Texas next month!! I can't wait!

1. I do not like special sauces on my burgers. I prefer plain old mayo. Jess, about the mayo, can we still be friends? :>

I tag... Kristy and Craig.

Don't Acronym Me!

2008-05-04T19:09:00.006-04:00

Today we went with our neighbors to a different church. The preacher there is good. However, today he beat around the bush a little and he called Absalom a nut job. Overall, the simple message he was trying to deliver. The T-S-C of what to do when the bottom falls out, was lost in his ramblings, rantings and just running all over the place. I have never, and I repeat never been a fan of acronym sermons! Even so, here was a simple and beautiful sermon, you just had to pan for the nuggets in the muck.
You may know that I am very, very fond of Absalom. So of course I did start to huff a little when the pastor painted Absalom with the wide brush strokes of villainy. Calling him a nut job... I mean, come on.
Is it really necessary to cast the characters opposite David as villains to cement David as the hero? We love David, but wasn't he just a man like you and I? Truth be known, prior to Absalom's coup was the most ineffective period of David's reign. His people were dissatisfied, the King was not wrecking out justice and he was not taking an active role in his kingdom. He hadn't even punished his eldest son, Amnon, for the rape of Absalom's sister, Tamar (David's daughter, and Amnon's half-sister). So in reality wasn't Absalom, just a hurt child lashing out at his impotent Father? Haven't we all felt that? Haven't we all tried to usurp authority in our lives? Are we nut jobs, too? Okay, I'm getting a little preachy.
I sense that I am becoming an adult. Because, instead of totally shutting down and focusing only on the above, I was able to garner wisdom among the chaff. During Absalom's attempt to overthrow his father, David wrote the 63rd Psalm. The Psalm was the crux of this sermon. I came away from this sermon knowing, when the bottom falls out: T- Think on God, S- Sing His praises and C- Cling to Him.

It made sense.

Psalm 63:6-8
"On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."

Feast of Love

2008-05-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

All I have to say is SEE THIS MOVIE!! The writing is beautiful. It's poignant and very moving.

WARNING: RATED R FOR STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT, NUDITY AND LANGUAGE.

It does contain alot of the above.

I am not pushing this as a Christian movie... but as a romantic, it was very moving.

Smaller than a mustardseed

2008-05-01T12:31:00.006-04:00

"It's about the kind of freedom you can only know when you realize that whatever it is you're trying to do has already been done for you."
This was on an old friend's blog. It seemed to encapsulate the feelings I've had over the last few weeks.
I am humbled to realize that my faith is still so small. Smaller now that it was ten years ago. I watched this weeks episode of Home Makeover on ABC, and was so touched by the devotion of the Martinez family. What struck me even more was the family's faith, believing that dreams do come true. They truly believe the sky is the limit, that miracles do happen. I believe this too, but its been a while since I believed it for myself. I am more happy now than I have been in quite some time. But my faith is still constrained by my rational self. My prayer lately is that I will find a way back to the part of me that believes God can accomplish the amazing, in me, and in my life.
I love this quote, it seems to me to be the very crux of humanity's fear of God. That we long for God to strip us of our hard and scarred veneer. Yet, we are terrified of the cleansing. I'm scared to do battle without my armor. Hurts penetrates deeper without a good layer of cynicism and rationality. I suppose I need to learn to let God fight my battles. Let his armor, the raiment of his blood, protect me. I suppose I need to learn that I'm never going it alone. That whatever I'm trying to do has already been done for me.

Prayer for mom

2008-04-28T09:57:00.004-04:00

When I look back on this last year I realize that it's been a rough one. I say "I realize," because its also been a personal pilgrim's progress for my mom and me. I've seen new growth, patience and trust develop. I think the hardest thing a Christian has to do is to wait on God. Patience is a virtue because we must practice it to achieve it. None of us are born patient and in America we are far less patient than elsewhere.
Last year my mom was finally pushed out of her position as a Special Ed. Science teacher by her nasty boss. He had been trying for years to get her to leave after she filed sexual harassment charges against a friend of his. After all the mental and emotional strain, wondering what possible move he would take to make her life harder, he finally got her for her absences. Most of which were due to her bad back and consequent surgery or the panic attacks she suffered as a result of his treatment.
So today, almost a year later she is in a far better place and realizes just some of the wonderful things that God has taught her and the new heights that he has brought her too. Now she wants to work again. She says she couldn't handle teaching full time again but she has applied to be a substitute teacher. And today in about 30 minutes, she will be in an interview where she will have to explain why she was fired from her last position. If she explains to their satisfaction she can start subbing. What this means is that she will have to rehash the whys and hows of one of the toughest episodes of the last three years. She will also have to do it in a way that makes sense and that shows that she is competent as a teacher. So I have texted all my prayer warriors and asked them to pray for her and this interview. I trust that God has prepared a way for her. Yet the more voices I know are ascending to the heavens in her stead, the more confidence I have in the men and women judging my mother here on earth. So please add yours to the chorus.

Father God, please make a way.
Cause light, illumination and understanding

to shine around my mother.
Speak through her the words that you have

ordained her to say.
Allow the minds and hearts of those sitting in

judgement of her to be open, merciful and understanding.
Let us face the future you have for us with hope and trust.
Father, give us peace.

Father please be with my mama.
Amen.

"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

-Isaiah 40:28-31

Spring Break!

2008-04-25T12:24:00.007-04:00

Well Spring Break is almost at an end. I am not sure I used the break as productively as I could do. However, I am sure that I used it to refocus and to rest. Maybe being recharged, I can be productive in the days to come. *As needed.
I hope to finally bake some cookies for some wonderful friends of mine. It's a great recipe from TLC's Take Home Chef. They are Peanut Butter Chocolate cookies. So good! They are best the day after you bake them. The peanut butter flavor really comes to life.
I also hope to finish my around the house list, paint touch ups and furniture stuff. Well here's hoping I utilize the time I have, resting, working or cooking.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies

Ingredients:
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 c. brown sugar
½ c. (1 stick) butter, softened
1 egg
1c. Organic Peanut butter (it really does make a difference)
¼ c. honey
1 ½ c. flour
1-5oz chocolate bar (I use Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bar)

Preheat Oven to 350°. In medium mixing bowl cream together baking soda, brown sugar, and butter. Drop in 1 egg and mix thoroughly. Add peanut butter and honey, then mix. Scrap batter off beaters into bowl. Fold in flour with sturdy spatula or large mixing spoon. Break up your chocolate bar into desired piece sizes. Fold chocolate pieces into batter. Drop by rounded teaspoon full onto cookie sheet. Bake 6 cookies to a sheet. They bake up and out while cooking. Bake at 350° for 12-15 minutes, depending on how chewy or crispy you like your cookies. Let rest on cookie sheet for a few minutes when they come out of oven before transferring to cooling rack. When the cookies are completely cool you can really taste the peanut butter! Store in airtight container and enjoy!!

These are really easy cookies to make. You use only one bowl and there’s not much mess to clean up after. Also feel free to use chunky peanut butter or different kinds of chocolate. My sister loves dark or semi-sweet chocolate pieces— to each his own! The broken chocolate pieces make them look a little more gourmet than the chip variety. Enjoy!

The Beach

2008-04-23T18:49:00.002-04:00

Creation cries out, "Bless God!"

Today, me and mom went to the beach, near our house, to layout. It was a little chilly with the wind coming off the water. But otherwise it was relaxing. Going to the beach really makes this week seem like Spring Break. The beach near our house is nothing to get overly excited about. It could be great, but the water on our end of the island is like an inlet and all the ocean garbage drifts up on shore. There was old sand encrusted luggage, shoes and of course broken bottles scattered across the sand. Yet, the litter only took a smidgeon of the joy out of the day. I love the sun!

Apt

2008-04-22T17:18:00.003-04:00

"Nor is the earth the lesse, or loseth ought,
For whatsoever from one place doth fall,
Is with the tide unto another brought:
For there is nothing lost that may be found, if sought."

~Edmund Spenser

The Faerie Queene,

Book V

Lessons

2008-04-21T23:33:00.003-04:00

I feel too far away. And I feel on the outside of this. I didn't get to talk to him directly, and tell him I love him. I don't know why, but I needed to have my voice in his ear expressing love. More for me perhaps, then even for him. I know that things will work themselves out and eventually I'll hear that lovely voice on the phone again. I find myself in the odd moment with tears on my cheeks, waiting. I have to wait, till the wounded are ready let others in. I hate being an other, I wish love were like a ticket. You love enough and you have the right to know the inner workings, the right to whisper encouragement. Now I'm trying not to be selfish and pry my way in. I know he's being looked after, I know that God is there. I just wish I was too. Maybe this is the other part of my first love lesson. Maybe I can be better from this too. Maybe we both can.

Everythings okay

2008-04-21T18:54:00.003-04:00

Everything's allright! My prayers were answered. My friend is fine. Mostly just a misunderstanding. Thank you GOD!

Scared...

2008-04-21T13:11:00.003-04:00

I wasn't there yesterday when a friend needed me and now I am scared. Scared that he is not okay, that somehow I let him down. I now that we all make decisions and we are responsible for them, but I know too that the conversation of a good friend can tip the scales. Dear God, please be there as I could not and bring peace to us all. Thank you God for other friends and for you who stand in the gap.

SICK!

2008-04-20T20:13:00.002-04:00

I am rarely sick, but today I am.
It could be the round of antibiotics I am taking for my ear. I'm not sure. Today I had a fever and was achy all over. Finally after hours of feeling just on the nasty side of sick I took a shower and now am going to take some Nyquill and pass out. Thank God for Nyquill!

A little garden poem...

2008-04-17T18:53:00.003-04:00

My Garden


A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot!
  Rose plot,
  Fringed pool,
Fern'd grot—
  The veriest school
  Of peace; and yet the fool
Contends that God is not—
  Not God! in gardens! when the eve is cool?
  Nay, but I have a sign;
'Tis very sure God walks in mine.

Thomas Edward Brown

A beautiful woman...

2008-04-16T18:41:00.001-04:00

"A beautiful woman is a practical poet, taming her savage mate, planting tenderness, hope and eloquence in all whom she approaches."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dirt

2008-04-16T17:26:00.001-04:00

I love the earth and everything that grows in it. Today we decided to add a little shopping to our regular 2 mile walk and go to the local nursery to pick up a couple of rosebushes for the front-square (to say yard would be an overstatement). I thought it was a grand idea. I had second thoughts on the way home. This was the first day this spring where the temperature reached the upper seventies, with no cloud cover and almost a mile left to travel home. And here we were walking a dog and carrying a large potted rosebush each. All the heat and sore arms aside, it was a good idea.

I love to plant things. I love to weed and mow and all the other things associated with growing things in the soil. In another life I would have been quite a capable farmer. We weeded and planted and pruned our front square. I was dirty, tired and happy! There is just something about having dirt under your fingernails, and nowing that what you've just labored over will potentially take root and grow. It's so amazing to see something grow where you planted it, that is supremely fulfilling. It must be only a smidgeon of the joy God feels as creator and redeemer. I hope to plant my herb garden in the back plot during spring break in a couple weeks. More dirt, Yeah!

I give up!

2008-04-12T19:59:00.008-04:00

So... I am a selfish human being. I like to feel needed, important and someone special to others. Maybe this makes me only human, but right now it makes me want to throw in the towel.
All of my friends love me, I don't doubt this. But truthfully I don't often feel significant to them. Maybe it's being thousands of miles away, I'm not sure. People are sometimes fickle.
I don't know what I do to run them off, but off they run. One said I needed her too much and it was all she could do being needed as a single mom. I understood and thought she just needed some time, but even now our calls are strained. Another said I was too intense and made her feel too much. We were all we had for so long and it hurt tremendously to let go when we moved apart. So now she didn't want to get in deep again. Some don't say anything at all, they just move away and the time and energy it takes to keep in touch isn't worth it. I don't know...
Today it just jumped up at me from a blog page, and I realized I am and never will be anyones best anything.(Okay God, I know I'm your girl... but I mean here on earth nella carne.) I have often felt I will never be any guy's significant other. And today after realizing I was just an unimportant fluffer friend, I got it! If you make yourself vulnerable to people, you love them too much, or you care more then they care, you might just end up alone.
as I am writing I have an epiphany--------------------
I think, in some way, if I accept this I might break through a wall, being able to be a more humble servant of God.
Is that weird? Weird, that I am sitting here coming to grips with something really hard and hurtful, and yet these thoughts that if I just let go I could be someone better pop into my head? These thoughts have allowed me to stop tearing up and breathe deeply.
Would that mean that I am meant to care less? Or could it mean that if I let go I could love and care just as much, only I wouldn't need to look to them for any assurance of my worth? God, I hope so.
God, please let me do that. Let me be a better Danielle. A girl who can stand on her own. A girl who could love from the depths of my being, and not need or expect the love of others in return. Let me break through.

Disclaimer: (Note from my wise mother.) I tend to be hard on myself. Sometimes placing high expectations on myself, and also on the ones I love. I love hard and I am hard to please. It's what makes me what some call an "all or nothin' kinda gal." Hmmm, maybe I should have an epiphany about this too. God? Anything, anything? Maybe this is work that needs to take place on a different day. ;>

Jess

2008-04-11T12:47:00.002-04:00

" …For decades we had shared a friendship with no secrets, no disguises and the wisdom to know that such a great friendship was rare. I remember reading once that your enjoyment of something doubled if you realized how lucky you were to have it. If everyone had a huge diamond on their finger, or if sunsets were universally scarlet and gold, then we wouldn't value them at all. It was like that with us."

-Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods

It's like that with my friend Jess and I. She is so wonderful. She's beautiful inside and out. She loves people and all her friends will tell you that! She is a woman much loved. She loves God and right now feels like she is at the best place spiritually that she has ever been. She has been dealt some very serious blows over the years and she has come out on the other side depending on God more and more. She is funny as hell, and a wonderfully talented wordsmith. God allows the most amazing episodes of beauty and quirkiness to find her in the most unlikely normal places. She is constantly becoming surer of who she is and what she wants in life. She courageously reaveals her true self in her writing. She is unafraid to express the real desires of her heart. I only wish I could be that brave.
I thank God that in whatever we face in life he has given us each other. She will always be friend of my heart. I know that she only wants good for me and that I only want good for her.

My sweet friend know you are so loved!

This is one of the most beautiful manifestations of God's mercy to man, that we are able to have relationship with others.

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

-Kahlil Gibran

My happy

2008-04-09T12:25:00.001-04:00

It's slightly inexplicable, but I think I got my happy back.

At least I'm on my way there. I have been very unhappy (unlike any unhappy I've known before). I wasn't depressed, but sincerely grouchy, dissatisfied, hard and unhappy. This since just after Christmas. That's when I was told that I'd have to postpone my nursing rotation another semester. It's was like one incredible punch to the stomach, and my heart said no more, we won't be putting anymore happy on the shelf. All sold out here, try next door!
I knew I wasn't happy, but in all honesty I couldn't find my way out. So I just turned into a craven bitch. It didn't help that I was trying rather successfully to rid myself of my addictions. Unhappy, no helps = bad situation! So my exercise turned more regular and that kept me from punching unsuspecting new yorkers in the face. But my poor family, how they bore the brunt.
Then one day I realized I didn't like the world I had created. I hated the person that I was being. Something had to change! And right then the little happy makers stopped picketing and went back to work. It's been a slow process.
I'm not up to max. happy output yet, but I'm smiling more. People are actually talking to me since I lost my ever present scowl. I'm laughing more. My parents are considerably less tense and more loving, because hellooo, I'm less tense and more loving. So I'm on my way to happy, and that's a lot better than where I've been.

Hell-o happy, where've

you been all my life!!

I miss church...

2008-04-06T19:11:00.006-04:00

I miss church. Or more specifically church in the south. I have been attending Redeemer Presbyterian here in NY. The preacher is excellent. His depth and intellect always challenge me to learn and grow. That is definitely what I look for in a minister. He knows how to set up a sermon in a way that I can follow, he rarely chases rabbits nor does he misuse texts to suit his own agenda. He's a peach!
Anyhoo, that's not what I mean by church. I miss the feeling of community. My friend Krystal and I were talking about this the other day. They are moving to Tyler and visited Green Acres church there. She said that she felt like an audience member. It's not that she didn't actively take part in the service but she still felt like she was just one of many, not a part of something. It's hard to explain. But summarily it's missing the sense that you are connected to the people around you.
I miss seeing familiar faces. I miss knowing the person sitting next to you, or at least a person sitting in the next row. I miss hugs and updates. I miss the little children I taught Sunday School. I miss the community. Here I love the church I attend but I am not part of it. Maybe that's how it feels to live in NY. You are here, but everybody else is too, so who cares?

Prayer email

2008-03-18T19:21:00.005-04:00

I got an email the other day from a friend. You know the type: the I love you, now send this along to others type.
I was particularly disturbed by several things, they are highlighted in orange.

The email started out...
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. I pray you all have a blessed day.

It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed.
There are 12 months/ 12 disciples/ 12 tribes of Israel / Jesus' birth celebrated in twelfth month.There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve others. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, in the name of Jesus, believing God will answer.

May today be all you need it to be.

May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts,

rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears.

May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced.

May your joys be fulfilled, and your prayers be answered.

I pray that faith enters a new height for you;

I pray that your territory is enlarged.

I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity,

joy, true and undying love for God.

Now send this to 12 people within 5 minutes and remember to send this back.... I count as 2, you'll see why.

Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward

1- It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. Manipulation much!

2-There are 12 months/ 12 disciples/ 12 tribes of Israel / Jesus' birth celebrated in twelfth month.
Say what? So 12 is a holy because... the 12 disciples (some would say 13, you know w/Paul), okay I'll give you this one, but you started out with 12 because of the twelve months in a year. Evidently you thought the twelve months of the year were passed down to Moses on that other set of stone tablets. We base our monthly system on the old Roman calendar (with some updates.) Which they formed from the seasons, stars and their superstition about even numbers. Come on!
Then you add in that Jesus' birth is celebrated in the twelfth month... twelve is so cool! Ugh! Christians (and yes I am one of them, in case you were wondering) took over the Roman holiday Saturnalia and the northern European holiday Yule. Both of these pagan holidays were during the winter solstice and had major partying and festivities. We just added Christian meaning to justify our own celebration (okay I do believe Christmas is still special and a wonderful commemoration of our Savior's birth, but puh-lease!). Please don't mix and match the holy with the meaningless and then deem it all meaningful!

3-Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward.
How can you say prayer is free? I believe as I hope do you, that Christ died to save us from our sins. That gives us freedom. Freedom to commune with God and commune eternally (heaven). So prayer, communication with God, is at the very least worth the life of God's only son. I could also extrapolate that to the many men, women and children who have been killed over the centuries for the right to pray to our God. So come on people that's like saying freedom is free! Then they tack on the last statement about no cost and reward and you have the American dream: getting something for nothing. Presto chango, it's all good. Bah!

4-Make sure you pray, in the name of Jesus, believing God will answer.
My beef with this is that it sounds like a warning that your fairy godmother would give you right before you stepped into your enchanted pumpkin. Or maybe the perfect ending to a spell for an enchanted life. Just like every good Disney movie, if you believe something hard enough dreams do come true. Either way, don't you know the people to whom you are sending this email. I mean you thought about it really hard right (see number 1)? So you should know if those twelve are praying to God in his son's name or to Allah.

5- Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward
Oh, that's good! Real good! That way unsuspecting people, like myself, who tend to just delete forwards in general are caught and start to read this diluted chain prayer letter. Then they get angry and spend two hours dissecting it, then ranting about it on their blog. Okay, I do realize most people didn't do that.

The sad thing is I really did like the prayer. In fact I cleaned it up, getting rid of all the malarkey and sent it to some of my friends. And I'm hoping that the less diluted version blessed them.
Rantings aside, I understand the why of sending these emails. I just wish we'd read them and take the time to clear them up a bit before sending them on. They are after all messengers with our names on them.

50th Birthday!

2008-02-28T14:35:00.000-05:00

Today was actually Mom's 50th birthday. She was gone to class when I got up and I am ashamed to say it never dawned on me what day it was when she stopped in before her masters seminar. After she left a neighbor mentioned how he thought her birthday was yesterday and how was it blah, blah. I said no her birthday is actually (pause for thought) TODAY! (I KNOW, I'm awful) So with the ten bucks I had I went and bought a banner and some candles and her favorite fruit tart from the bakery. I hung up the banner and called my sister to see if she had remembered it was Mom's birthday. And of course she had! She had called earlier and sang her happy birthday, which is our usual family practice. I told my sis how I had screwed up and she laughed uproariously. Then I asked her to sing happy birthday to mom with me when mom came home from class.
Birthday's in our family have always been family afairs. With cake and presents and dinner out, but always a family afair. We like it that way.
However, I think that a 50th birthday ranks definitely higher in importance. So after making sure everything was ready for mom, and calling nonchalantly to see if she had made it off the train, I waited.
As I waited my sister calls and says that mom is really hurt that no one remembered her birthday. It turns out that so far no one had called her but my sister. Even Pop, who'd had to fly out early this AM, hadn't called. So Char let her know that I hadn't forgotten (very nearly ruining my surprise). And on her way home her Aunt from California called to wish her happy birthday. She loved the surprise. My sister and I sand her happy birthday (Char via speaker phone), and she loved the candles and cake. After my surprise she found a message from her Mom and Daddy wishing her happy birthday. Pop called too, at 12:15 am. And the next day she got a present from her in-laws and a card from her sister-in-law.
So even for a family who likes to celebrate birthdays in a small way, everyone should take note that being around for 50 years is a big deal!!

The Circus

2008-02-24T21:00:00.001-05:00

Today we saw the Cirque Le Masque for my Mom's 50th birthday celebration. She will actually turn 50 on Wednesday. It was really neat. There were some amazing acts and some less amazing acts. Mom had a great time and Pop sat through it for her. Of course when I tried to make fun of that fact at intermission he made some jerk response. I even got over that- after a few moments thanks to the start of the second half of the show.
One of the coolest parts were the responses of the kids in attendance. At intermission the little girl in front of us turned abruptly and asked us "It's not over is it?" The look of concern on her face was priceless. As an acrobat climbed and stacked chairs up to the arch of the theater balancing and doing a hand stand the oohs and aahs of the children were enchanting. Afterward we went out to eat. Overall it was a good day. One must add is that the muscle men were amazing!! And the tall one was scrumptous!

Happy Birthday MAMA!

Snowy days are here again...

2008-02-22T09:40:00.001-05:00

So while I slept last night the storm that had been on the news yesterday swept in. And left behind it a beautiful mantle of white. Snow always makes the city seem so pretty... until it starts to melt. Then the dirty mush pools and the city is it's dark and dingy self again. At least until spring!
I just stare out my window lost in the beauty and sparkle of the snow!
I love the snow, again!

My Utmost...

2008-02-18T21:47:00.003-05:00

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest as my quickie devotional guide.
I don't always like the way Chambers states things, but overall it's good and sometimes even inspiring.

Like today...
On the disciples falling asleep in the Garden.
"Whenever we realize that we have not done that which we had great opportunity of doing, then we are apt to sink into despair; and Jesus Christ comes and says- 'Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost forever, you cannot alter it, but arise and go to the next thing.' Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irrisistable future with Him.
...He came with a spiritual initiative against despair and said- 'Arise and do the next thing.' If we are inspired of God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray... Never let the sense of failure currupt your new action."
Thank you God that you help us to break free from the past. Not dwelling in our failiing but moving on to walk with you.
God shook me out of my dwelling today!

It snowed!!

2008-02-14T19:28:00.000-05:00

It snowed today! Just an inch or so. It was so beautiful I took the dog out and we went a little nutty! He loves the snow!

Then we went to the park and went jogging. I then let him run unleashed around the snowy blissfully empty park.

I couldn't help but see the beauty of all that God creates. My friends laugh and call me, "the earth mother." I am that, at least a little bit. As I jogged these huge fluffy snowflakes kept falling in my eyes and on my face. I felt so close to God. So in awe and very at peace.

I love the snow!

2008-02-05T00:53:00.000-05:00

"Happiness comes from accepting the present situation, whether it's something you wish to savor as long as possible or change as quickly as you can. Neither is possible without acceptance as the starting point, because without acceptance you are living on the periphery of your life. There at the edges, you can't fully enjoy the good stuff or do anything about the rest."

Victoria Moran

Go Giants!!

2008-02-04T01:03:00.000-05:00

What a great game! Yea!

I am an avid NFL fan. Granted I don't keep up with stats or names the way the guys do. But still I love the game. This season anybody and everybody who has played against the Pats has been my team. As the season took off I was against them because of that low-down, dirty Belichick; not only is he a cheat but he's also a poor sport winning, and now losing. Secondly, the more undefeated hype the Pats rustled up the more I didn't want to see them win. I have this rebellious streak a mile wide that demands I root for the underdog. Any team touted as 'the greatest' is one I'll cheer against. The loss that hurt the most had to be when the Pats beat the Eagles with backup quaterback AJ Feeley. Feeley showed no fear! It would have been the perfect underdog story come to life... if the Eagles had won.

On to the superbowl: Insert raucous yelling "Fall Flat Pats!!" It doesn't hurt matters that the Giants are backed by my home state (okay, resident state!) of New York. I went into this game chanting "it's possible, it's possible!" At least four other times this season that mantra failed in the last few minutes of the 4th quarter. This time with four minutes left Eli "Easy" Manning throws the winning touchdown to Plaxico Burress! We were all up and out of our seats whooping and hollering! It was awesome watching the game with avid NY fans and seeing what was just another possibility turn into reality.

Things I've been thinking...

2008-02-01T23:32:00.000-05:00

God knows when you are ready for something, even when you think you aren't.
My Jess is a good friend.
Humanity is beautiful!
My pop made the best sausage and veggie stir-fry Wednesday... I'm still thinking about it.
Rollo is the best dog in the world!
My sister is good to me, there for me and a bad ass!
Rain is new baptism for the earth, and somehow it cleanses me too.
I need to love myself more. I need to love myself enough to make the changes necessary.
My mother is a good woman.
Pain may be a gift. It realigns what is important. It tells you that you are alive. It ebbs eventually and it will come again. All of this lets you know that you can make it through, because you have made it through before.

No news is good news?

2008-01-31T22:58:00.001-05:00

I think the saying "no news is good news" is BS. The waiting is what really kills you, not the answers. I seems no matter how much you pray and give things over to God, in odd moments worry and wonder stealthily attack. Waiting and worry combine to form a new kind of guerilla warfare. I lack focus and commitment to what I'm doing. When I have down time I need a distraction to keep me from dwelling. You don't even realize you've started worrying, and then you're knee deep in the thick of it.
Finally, yesterday I found out. I will have to start my clinical nursing rotation next semester, instead of this one. A seemingly insignificant mistake on my part combined with lousy timed short-staffing problems led to this outcome. I am still in the nursing program, but I am bummed.
I had been waiting, and pretending not to hope that everything would work out well, for the last week. Outwardly the pragmatist, while a part of me was hiding in a closet, lighting the candle of hope.
Maybe with practice one gets better at letting God be God. I hope so. Right now I'm tired, and I'm not quite ready to put on a happy face. I'll get there and I'll do what I need to do in the mean time. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to thank God for this soon.

Today...

2008-01-30T00:28:00.000-05:00

Today there was a wreck. I was in it. An attractive, blond, Russian women driving a Lexus turned into oncoming traffic, namely me, at an intersection. No one was hurt and the damage wasn't astronomical. But she believed it was my fault. And it SOOO wasn't!! It was obvious to anyone who saw the damage to the driver's side of my car that it had been her fault. Still, she misguidedly would not hand over her insurance. She had it mind you, but would not give it to me. She had a very strong accent and didn't seem to get certain things I spoke to her. She was consumed with placing blame on me and thinking (and I quote) that I would run away. I called the police and we waited.
As the police arrived a Nosy-New-Yorker stepped off the curb and asked me who was at fault. I stated it was the other woman's and nodded toward the woman in the Lexus, who was very animatedly telling the cop her side of the story. The nosy-NYer replied, "It's always their fault." For the next few minutes the nosy-NYer stayed close to the action, and too close for my liking. She evidently didn't want to miss anything.
The policeman was having difficulty explaining to the Russian woman of the Lexus the procedures for submitting an accident report. I interjected that earlier she had called a friend of hers to translate, perhaps she should call him now. The policeman thought that was a good idea. As she went to her car to get her cell the nosy-NYer, asked the cop "How can they get driver's licenses when they don't even speak English?" He kind of shrugged and rolled his eyes. I responded blandly with, "You don't need to talk to be able to drive." The nosy-NYer turned on her heel and walked away.
There were two bonuses out of this experience. One was that, while I didn't let the woman in the Lexus bully me with her idiotic belief that the accident was my fault, I was still able to come way from the incident feeling like a decent human being. I didn't fall in to the angry trap, and I didn't feel that I had given any thing of myself away through the course of events. I felt good. Well, as good as one can when both your driver's side doors are crashed. Still not bad. Secondly and superficially, the cops were both attractive red-headed men. You know the kind, with long blond eyelashes, blue eyes and freckles. That's a definite plus!
So, while today wasn't the best, it wasn't wrecked.

My legs are like jelly...again!

2008-01-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

Second day of jogging: the high of accomplishment is still present and the pain is far less. Just regular soreness in large leg muscle groups. Yeah!

Saw the Acting Company's rendition of The Tempest today. Excellent! They were very successful in making Shakespeare more relevant and accessible to today's audience. It was still Shakespeare, which made for some really intense code breaking. After about twenty minutes my Shakespeare classes kicked in and the code became an almost decipherable form of English. We had a really good time! Brilliant really!

Here we are again...

2008-01-28T03:16:00.000-05:00

I find myself impatient. This is a theme of life! I am waiting to find out if I can get a seat in the nursing classes I need for this semester. The waiting is taxing. In every escaping moment I find myself wondering. I hate that!
One would think that over the last few years I would have learned something about waiting, patience and trials. And I have, but sometimes one wonders what you should ask of God and yourself in these times. I wonder, do you?
There is comfort however:
God is ever present!
Life and I will go on no matter what the outcome!
God will work this situation for my betterment!
I will learn, if not spiritually significant lessons than, critical common sense lessons!

I can only hope to one day live the courageous prayer of Sir Francis Drake:
...That I might venture on to wilder seas
Where storms will show God's mastery;
That I might lose sight of land,
And find instead the stars.
That I might ask of God that he would push back
The horizons of my hopes...

We'll see...

how forgiveness budded...

2008-01-27T18:01:00.000-05:00

"...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
— Khaled Hosseini
The Kite Runner

heaven sagged and earth reached up...

2008-01-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

“Emotional pain… was a school of higher learning, a place beyond the instruction of ordinary teachers. It was where heaven sagged and earth reached up, leaving a man to find meaning, reconciliation and peace all on his own.”

~Debbie Macomber

I Ran!

2008-01-24T16:13:00.000-05:00

Wednesday I jogged almost an entire mile! This may not seem like anything to get overly excited about but it sooo is! The laps at the park are .82 tenths of a mile. I jogged a complete lap. Granted I wasn’t winning any races. But, I told my body to do it and it did! So cool. The key was not to go too fast, so that I could keep control of my breathing. I did well! I am oh, so very sore today. But tomorrow I will go out there and do it again!

Crude, but funny!

2008-01-12T09:39:00.000-05:00

I went to Texas the first weekend in January for a wedding. It was great!
One the way to the Airport in Houston, Jess and I are mid-conversation when I read this on the bumper of a supply truck!

I explode in laughter!
I point it out to Jess and she does the same.
I told my parents about it and they laughed too!
I mean could you get any more Texas. And it's slightly clever too. Playing on the inspection stop lingo, to have their papers or whatnot ready.
Jess has since shared it with another friend of ours and she didn't laugh. So I say to you, "Laugh people!" At least a small harumph...or a smirk?

Regret

2007-07-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

Recently I found my way back to the God I once knew.

As I age, I design a battlement around myself; my soul, my happiness. I try not to feel or give as greatly as I did when I was a naive kid. I hug less, I offer to pray with strangers less. I just stopped being the little "sunny" girl I once was. That little optimistic, faithful kid got tired of the knocks and the belittling smiles. She got tired of the disappointments and the rejections. Those looks that said, "Oh, to have such a simple faith."

I can never go back and be that kid. But I rediscovered the trust and knowledge that God is with me. The hope I once had is still tenuous. Its there, the once brave flame is not quite as bright, but is not extinguished.

I may never again be that "sunny" girl, but I can grip the God I love with both hands and be a woman who lives my "simple" faith out loud, with little care for recrimination or looks of condescension.

Hourly I remind myself that God is here, is present and at hand. Hourly I must remind myself, because I still try and protect myself even from God. Hourly I try and wrench control of my life. Hourly I worry and fume and anger seeps from my pores. So- hourly my soul chants "He hears me; He sees me; 'I am my Beloved's and He is mine.'"
I live a life with no regret. I cannot regret what makes me who I am. I cannot regret what brought me to this place of flickering faith. I will not regret.

Enjoy?

2007-05-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

What do I enjoy about New York?

Going to school to eventually do the 'thing' I've wanted to do for a while.The mystic: you know! Everywhere you go its New York. Walking down the street, going to the park, everything is just very New York. I like that. I like the seasons: the leaves changing, the snow, the flowering trees. The museums, the book stores, the history and the multicultural perspectives (whatever that happens to be). The different languages spoken all over. Russian, Yiddish, Spanish, Portugese, Italian, and different dialects of Chinese. And there's the native accents. I like the boroughs. The subway. Central Park. The Statue of liberty. The marina's and beaches. The stores (everywhere). The food! Though it has its good and bad side, I enjoy the pride that all the NY-kers take in being in NY. I love our church. It's not necessarily that southern sort of friendly but its a place of truth and compassion and light. It's benevolent and holy. I like that. I learn from it, I grow out of it. I enjoy being near my family. I enjoy alot of things and I enjoy this time. I know (at least I think I know) that I won't be here for long, so I enjoy being here, being in NY.

Thanks for asking Jocelyn.

Spring Break Happy Thoughts

2007-04-13T09:03:00.000-04:00

Pictures at the nursing home
Charity
Phase-Ten with my Sister
Losing… and winning
Measuring faces
Jessica
Seeing Kate
Me and Jess @ Sara's
Nic & Krystal
Sable and Samson
Broken puppies
Arkansas
Jack
Story time
Auntie Dani
Seeing the new house, new church and new baby
Being at 'Church'
Chris and Jess
Learning more about love and friendship
Hearing truth
Navigating
Being more appreciative
Tyler
Nic
Good Friday
the Greenhouse
Claw-foot tubs
Dallas
Snow in Texas
'my' red sweater
Ft. Worth
Winged buffalo smoking
Jessica
Fajitas
Nacogdoches
My Sister
Movies
Scrabble and cards with the Castles
Laughter
Table troubles
Walking the Big Dam Bridge
Krystal
Pancakes
Bluebonnets
Driving
Big sky
Boundaries
Baptisms
Day Spring
Laughing
Talking
Talking
Talking

Where I'm at.

2006-12-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

Where am I?
I'm still trying to figure it out.I think that might be a theme for my life.I start nursing school (fingers crossed) in Feb. It will be an Associates degree in nursing. That should only take me through the summer of 2008 to finish. I'm putting off the PT thing. I need to be a nurse first. Then I can work and save to move to the ideal locale of Seattle. God knows I can't stay in NY.I come to like it a little more each day. A miniscule, a little more.It's not friendly, and I need socialization, community.I'm taking steps. I am going to a church I like. Will eventually join. Then I will also be a part of the weekly home groups. That should give me an anchor, a community. Because unlike most churches I have been to, no one wants to talk. They come to learn and be fed to praise God. Not- to visit and get to know those around them. That would be eegads- southern.
New Yorkers are autonomous. They don't look outside themselves if they can help it. No wonder crime here has no witness. No one looks around to try and help.So I'm still me- taking the Dog to the park, taking my mom to work, cooking, shopping etc for the fam. Cleaning the house. Reading. little odds and ends that help break up the monotony.I am trying to be more grateful. To see the beauty in the moments, as a friend once said. And to break the habits I have reverted too since moving home. Those adolescent, I-don't-know-who-I-am habits that make rebellion the first course of action.
I do know who I am and I need to grab that girl and shake her from time to time. God bless.

Being

2006-09-28T09:08:00.000-04:00

"Fear not for the future, weep not for the past." ~

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Right now I am just being. I go jogging with Rollo and mom. I weed the front yard (more like a big flower bed). Eventually I'll replace some of the tiles in the bathroom. I do laundry and buy groceries. I help my mom out with some of her lesson plans. Keep the house clean and cook a few times a week. I play fetch, and wrestle with Rollo. This weekend we're sanding and staining the entry way steps, and retiling the landing. I help out where needed. There isn't a real time crunch about much but my days fill up. I'm not up to a whole lot and I have to say it's nice. I start more hardcore classes next semester and yet I don't feel pressured. Maybe it's knowing that the road ahead is just that ahead. I've decided to stop looking back and wishing I had done things differently, done school differently. I am thankful for the path that brought me here, and I look forward to what lies ahead.

La vie en vie, et aimer.
Live life, and love.

Fear

2006-09-08T21:10:00.000-04:00

Change can leave you afraid. I don't know what I fear, the unknown? Failure? But I have been afraid these last days. Afraid to take that next step. To commit to the future. I have been praying... but still afraid.
But, somehow, today I am not afraid. There have been hard times in my life, as in everyone's. But in all honesty I haven't ever had to sustain determination for any real length of time. I've rarely had to invest and not be sure of the dividends. I haven't tried that hard. Here in front of me is a goal. The goal, I know it. And it looks to take a substantial amount of time, mostly uphill and mostly difficult. I will be 32 when I finish PT school. It feels like I am starting over again.
Fear espouses doubt and this sense of never...
Never finishing, never really being able, never being, never, never. Fear is the enemy of gratitude. It is the enemy of hope, it is the enemy of productive individuals everywhere.
SO, Let's rise up! There will be no fear today, there will be appreciation of those who support us, there will be accomplishment, there will be an embarking. Steps will be taken TODAY! Hope came home today! And fear has run the other way!

Hope came home
Home to me today
And fear has run the other way
And words are weak
You don't know how to say
You know I still believe in you
And should my dreams fall through
I will be safe with you
And with every breath I can breathe
I'll sing about how you love me
I'll sing about how you love me

Gotta love BEBO!!

Looking around...

2006-08-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

Every place I have lived (save for the Golden Triangle) I have found something good: the weather, the people, or the experience. Something along those lines that makes is special, redeemable.

Here in Brooklyn...
I love being with my family, though I fight many, many pride issues trying hard not to fall into patterns of the "child." My parents have been great. But they will always be the parents and I the child, even if I am an adult.
The weather is wonderful, much cooler than the Texas heat. Although the humidity isn't that much different from the Houston area. We live a mile or so from the water. So fun.
It's dirty. Not filthy or anything just normal city dirty. One morning I took the dog out and forgot to put on my shoes. I was walking on the sidewalk, (which I have done in every other town I've lived in) when this woman walked by and made a "that's so gross" face at me. I looked around at the ground and thought she's right. I washed my feet thoroughly.
In the South most of us are taught to be polite. If you make eye contact in Texas you smile and say "hi." One of the first times I walked the dog here, lots of people were out on their stoops and me being me, I said "hi" and smiled to each person. And in almost every case the response I got was a look of either surprise or indifference. At the store I said "hi" to the checkout girl and said "thank you" when she handed me my change. Needless to say she looked at me as if I was an odd duck. It's laughable. Sincerely.

One really cool thing is the neighborhoods. They are real neighborhoods. My parents know there neighbors and their lineage. Both are Italian and our landlord's mother (a little Chinese lady whom my parents dubbed "Grandma") lives down stairs. She doesn't speak English, but she is always trying to communicate. A little sign language and good inflection and we sometimes understand each other (I think). It's a heavily Asian and Russian-Jewish community around us. I walked Rollo on Friday and heard the words of the Kiddush. I saw this family gathered around the table, sharing in the observation of a lineage of faith. It was so cool. The diversity is just so beautiful.
It's not the South, with its openness and warmth. But its home for now, and it's special.

A Quickie....

2006-08-13T21:18:00.000-04:00

I made it!! After 27 hours of driving (19 of that in two days time) I am in New York. Needless to say the next time I get behind the wheel will be too soon. I start nursing school on September 7th, I am totally stoked!
Well, we are off to visit family in Wa. state tomorrow. So, I had better go and finish packing. I am officially the weary traveler! Love and God bless.

To Catch Up...

2006-07-19T09:19:00.000-04:00

I quit me second job a couple of weeks earlier than I thought... I realized I didn't have to put up with the chauvinists I worked with. My replacement already knew more than me about accounting anyway, so I put in notice and did a little dance in the office kitchen!!
I preached my first sermon and Chris said (and I quote) "I nailed it!!" I think it went well; I had two good teachers: my Pop and Chris, so who would expect less. It was an awesome experience, very humbling. There is so much more to say about that, but some other time.
I did music for VBS... so funny, the kids were hilarious!! I think anyone who works for a church or maybe even those who just work a VBS come to hate it... ok maybe hate is a strong word but it is definitely a burden. But somehow this time it was sweeter... maybe because it's my last here, or maybe its because I got to teach music rather than an actual class. Either way I actually had fun, I liked being with the kids.
We just got back from Children's Passport Camp in Huntsville... it was so good. The kids had a great time and I met some awesome people. I love camp for that reason... the connections you make, the people you get to be with and the kids who are with you. It is taxing by the weeks end trying not to bite their heads off when they ask the millionth question of the day... but all in all a really good experience.
So now here I am weepy all the time, realizing that I am truly leaving. Leaving this place that has become my hometown. This place where I know someone on every block, know that most of the people here would give me the shirt off their backs if I needed it. I leave my loved ones, my family for the last two years, and I leave the place where little Dani finally grew up. Danielle leaves here a wiser and stronger person. I wasn't born here but I grew up here. I've never really had a hometown before. When asked where I grew up, I would always say "oh, lots of places in Texas." Now I have a different answer. Eagle Lake- and it tears a piece of my heart out to leave it. I know that this move is good, and look forward to the newness thats coming. My parents and my future await me in NY. My birthday is Friday... I realized that this year is one of the first that I haven't looked back and thought, by this time I thought I would be such-and-such, and so-and-so. I am not sure what that means, but I am glad for it. At camp I remember telling the CBF missionary that we Christians are bread crumb people. We never get the whole loaf, but just like Hansel and Gretel make our way home a crumb at a time. I like that. I can handle the crumbs...
My going away party is this Sunday... more than anything I want my people, my church, to know how much they mean to me. I continually thank God for that entire he has given me here... and in that know that he does have good for me elsewhere, too.
I have a garage sale this Saturday...if you think of it say a little organizational prayer for me. I can use it.

Now you're caught up!!

It's Done

2006-05-18T09:20:00.000-04:00

It's Done. I turned the resignation letter in yesterday and it was good.
I prayed for peace and that my words would be tempered. That I would not say the perfect things, just what needed to be said. I was simple. It was simple.
I wasn't old enough to remember the times my Pop put in his resignation at our other churches, or maybe I wasn't actually present. But this last time I remember the hurt, and the dissapointment that the people I loved felt and I think in some way I was worried that it would be that way here.
Well as my Pop pointed out that was a whole different ballgame, Pastor for seven years vs. youth and children's for two. A whole different set of expectations and a whole different investment. And since he won't be reading this... He was right!
I will be missed, but God is in this and his people were gracious and loving to me last night.
Thanks to you all who prayed for me, and my people.

If you catch this

2006-05-12T09:21:00.000-04:00

If you catch this please remember me and my church this week. I am turning in my resignation next Wednesday... It will be one of those weeks! I will be leaving them in under three months.
I love them and don't want them hurt, so pray that though they are sad, they see God's hand as he moves in my life. I'm sure they will, but remember us this week. And I will be sad too.

Nic's Dream...

2006-05-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

Nic was hosting SNL. As funny as he is it's possible. He had just finished the opening monologue and the crew was getting ready for the first skit. It was taking place on an old-fashioned ice rink, the kind with bleechers for people to sit on. I came up to him and said, "You've had a hard time this week in practice, but I know you've got it now." He said he had NO idea what "it" was or even what the skit was about.
The next thing He knew He comes on camera and two girls are fighting on the edge of the ice. They are dressed like ice dancers and are pushing and yelling. "Ladies, there's no reason to fight," Nic says as he walks over to try and break them up. They both look at him like he had a mule growing out of his forehead. He repeated the line and then looked at me, the director. I was mouthing something that looked just like the line he had repeated twice. He figured I knew what was supposed to be going on. so he repeated the line again.
So I walk over and literally pull a plug from the wall, at which point the whole place goes dark and the crowd and other actors are gone. I say to Nic, "In the history of Saturday Night Live we have never, ever, never, ever had to cancel a broadcast. Now thanks to you this will be all over the news when people find out."
He woke up and his first thought was "Man, I'm glad that was a dream. My fans would have been so dissapointed."
This dream was posted with the permission of the dreamer. This was a dramatization of fictional events.
*Also note that I would never pull the plug on anyone, though I am flattered that I was an SNL director.
I laughed long and hard about this one! Thanks Nic.

Oh Absalom

2006-05-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

The other day my pastor and I were discussing why we have bible study, specifically character studies. We have just completed the life of David, and are now embarking on the disciples. My assertion was that we need to know that there are people like Andrew among the twelve closest to Jesus, and that there existed this misguided son of David named Absalom. We need to find ourselves in each. We cannot only say “I am more like Andrew,” or “I am Peter” without saying “I am Absalom.”
Andrew brought people face to face with Christ. He followed the eternally cool John the Baptist, faithfully and sincerely. He followed to such a degree that when the true teacher was pointed out Andrew lost no time in following. This humble brother of the outspoken Peter was counted among the men that Christ chose as his posse. We need to find ourselves in this simplicity, and humility.
Peter… what more needs to be said? He was the outspoken disciple, who the Holy Spirit used to proclaim Christ as the Son of God. He was an overzealous man, whose love for Christ spurred him to action without thinking or listening first. We need to be deeply in love with Christ, finding ourselves the mouthpiece of the Spirit and allowing our actions to speak of that love.
We must also love the Absalom in ourselves. When I was younger, my Pop would take my long hair in his hands and shake it like reins on a horse, saying “Oh, Absalom.” I remember relating this to a lady in the church and she looking at me with a stricken expression. Possibly she thought that wasn’t a particularly nice thing for a father to say to his daughter? “Oh- You rebellious much loved child, who will eventually come to ruin by taking over a kingdom not your own and getting your hair stuck in a tree.” Maybe she has a point. But I think the real problem was even less complicated. Papa was identifying me with the villain, the bad guy.
She did not see in Absalom a young rebellious man, who was loved by many. She did not see the just intentions in his heart as he carried out his ill-conceived plan to avenge his sister. She did not see the love the father had for his son, nor could she undertand the seperation. A love so great that in the face of complete and utter rebellion, complete and utter rejection, David still asks for mercy for his son. She did not see herself in Absalom.
I do. I remember all the times my intentions were good and the actions a mess. I know when I separate myself from God my judgment turns destructive and self-gratifying. I can see myself hanging from my pride in a tree, exposing myself to painful consequences. I see myself the much loved daughter of parents close to the heart of God; parents who mourn for me in situations where my rebelliousness or pride makes life that much harder. I see me in Absalom and I see something redemptive in him.

Are there true bad guys in the Bible? Possibly... absolutely. But aren't we sometimes the bad guys, too?

"The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you— O Absalom, my son, my son!" 2 Samuel 18:33

Amazed

2006-05-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

I was out of town catching up with a friend. Amazed was the buzz word that day in the Sunday service. As I sat in a church not my own, hearing a pastor not my own, worshipping, an understanding of the wonder I was witness to spread through me.
Wonder that being in church today was oh-so voluntary. That I chose to be here no paycheck, no obligation involved.
Wonder at the depth of love one person can have for another.
Wonder at the ease of friendship restored.
Wonder in the beauty of laughter and the freedom of fun.
All weekend I felt so blessed to be in the presence of this beloved friend. To talk together, just be with her and simply witness her life. That was wonder and amazement.
Her life is a gift. A gift in the living and healing. A gift in the friendship. And God allowed me to be a witness; to partake. She: Plucked up and out, into the hands of God. Held, as a rare and precious thing. And I: Allowed to stand close and see; Catch the reflection of His firelight and love as it dances through this precious woman.
The love of God- the wonder; the knowledge of that love- the amazement. I thank you! I rejoice in you! The God of life. The God of wonder. The God in smiles and tears. The God of the broken, the Healer. The God of my friend.

Good Friday

2006-05-01T09:59:00.000-04:00

On this day you stand in the face of the cross and you do not look away. You cannot look away from the cross on which Love died. You cannot be a coward— you must look at it, experience it, as Christ did. You must confront the blood and the body, the cross. Together we do this.

We approach the cross as one and leave the cross as a brotherhood. I see Chris take the bread between his hands and lift it, an offering. He breaks it. Dawning shivers through me. Christ broken for you. He takes the cup, and the bread is soaked red. Christ’s blood poured out for you. Do this in remembrance of me. Eyes look to the cross; they see the suffering, the end.
We come forward to dip the body into the blood, to partake. An elderly woman comes forward to receive. She breaks off a piece of the bread and carries it dripping-red in her hands, to a church member unable to come forward. What beauty!

That is what we do, we who bear the name of Christ. We carry our Christ before us, with his blood dripping onto our hands, and say to our brother “take, eat and be filled.”

Conditioning

2006-04-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

I have been with people, friends, family etc, every weekend pretty much continually for the last four or more weekends. It has been wonderful! But there is something negative that I had forgotten about when you are around people so much. You start to feel alone, when you are alone.
I know that sounds redundant. But I prior to this month of visitation I was a girl perfectly happy to go to the movies, dinner, shopping or what have you alone. And now I very nearly needed someone to accompany me on a shopping expedition this last Saturday. It was a close call... and even though I shopped alone, I must confess I met a girlfriend from work for dinner.
But it was Sunday, after church, when I realized that I had almost started to regress to a time when I had first moved to Eagle Lake. I remember that long journey conditioning myself to like the sound of my own silence. In fact before this last month I had come to rather enjoy my own company.
Sundays after church can be one of the lonliest times for a person. It is a time that for me is very connected to family and friends. All of my life you were supposed to be with people on Sundays. And most of the time I am.
But this past Sunday I found the silence of my little house empty. I had just decided to throw a big pity party for myself when I was reminded of something important. Something gounded in a reality I needed to come to grips with. I don't have to be with people to know I am loved. A large part of my new sense of being an adult comes from this realization and this sense of self-value where one can be loved in absentia... "Ahhh, zis is true" says the little German psychologist in my head.
You should know I am fine. Its just so odd, how you can regress so easily to need something that is honestly not even a real need. Just a comfort or conditioned response to being alone. We people, we're a funny lot.

Saturday Jeans

2006-04-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

I have these jeans that I love... they have patches and are so fadded the cuffs are mostly white, the denim is soft and worn, the pocket is missing a snap... They are pretty much the perfect jeans. They are straight legged all the way down. We girls know that in the boot-cut, flar leg, stylized jean fashion extravaganza that is offered a good pair of straight-legged jeans are hard to find. They might be considered a little too long, but to me they are perfection... besides, of course, the old appearance. I wear these jeans on Saturdays, my off day. They say to me come on now get comfy, have a weekend. I love my Saturday jeans.

Waiting...

2006-04-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

Long story short, I waited in an airport rental car agency for around 5 hours. It was one of those very 'me' situations and a hell of a long day. Early on in the evening I realized I would be stranded well into the night. I sit down to wait and have this overwhelming need to be rescued, immediately. Not rescued in five hours, not in three, but now. This need was so intense that tears welled in my eyes. I urgently wanted someone to save me from this situation. This need went against all my self-imposed constructs, all that I try to maintain.
I don’t ask for help. My reason’s span a spectrum from distrust and fear to basic pride. I cope. It’s what I do and generally, especially in a crisis, I keep a cool head. It’s only after the immediate threat is vanquished that I scream, yell or emote.
I trust my family, if it is within their power to help me they will. I trust God, I ask him for help all the time. God is there. He answers, listens or comes to me. Always, even if I am unaware or don’t ‘feel’ it. I trust in that. With other people, even friends, there is this fear. Fear that the answer to my request for help will be a portal into the way they value me. Am I a priority? Do I count? Would you make time to be there for me? Maybe, maybe not. To protect myself I unconsciously constructed these rules: Go to family first. Weigh all possible outcomes. Don’t ask for help when you aren’t sure of the outcome. Make sure that when you do ask, that the situation doesn’t sound as dire as it is. Don’t ask for help from people you know well. Even then "ASK" has a little red caution sign attached that reads "at your own risk."
When, for various reasons, I couldn’t find anyone to pick me up, my constructs did me no good. They fell away and to my horror I realized that they were actually hiding me not protecting me. I saw that I wanted something very basic. Something, in fact, very cliché. I wanted another person to see me as valuable. And here, in my time of vulnerability, disappointment and strandedness, I wanted that value to outrank obligations, commitments and distance.
Hours later I was picked up by a good friend of mine. The next day I kicked caution to the curb and went on my road trip anyway. On the way I re-examined my waiting experience. I admitted. I want what poets and Kings and farmers and wanderers have wanted for centuries. And it scares the hell out of me to admit it. But it frees me, too.

Hop as light...

2006-04-19T23:25:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I was tired tonight. I sat out in the backyard. I saw lightening bugs. I watched them dance in the grass and in low tree limbs. It made me think of A Midsummer Nights Dream...

Through the house give gathering light,
By the dead and drowsy fire:
Every elf and fairy sprite
Hop as light as bird from brier;
And this ditty, after me,
Sing, and dance it trippingly.

There is something quieting, something reassuring, in those dancing lights. They produce a lulling melody without notes.

Louder, louder please

2006-03-31T10:19:00.001-05:00

DAMN IT! Damn it! Damn it!!

Sometimes saying it alone in my room isn't enough...this is better, but I wish it were louder.

no smile for you...

2006-03-27T09:50:00.001-05:00

Since when is being polite code for "hey I want you to leer at me and call be baby!!!"
I was at the gas station buying a soda and I walk in front of this harmless looking man who bends down to get a bag of chips just as I cross in front of him. I almost run into him, stoping short cutting off his reach to the chips. I smile and politely say "sorry." He then leers at me and says [I kid you not] "No problem, baby" in this oily voice. I was so mad! I also felt a little violated.
I hate being called baby, no matter who does it. I can count on one hand how many times its happened, but it never sounds like an endearment. It either sounds belittleing or whiny. The other thing that made me mad was that I couldn't tell from just looking that this guy was one of "those" guys. The kind that leer, etc.
I'd really like men to have to wear t-shirts or badges that let you know exactly who they are. Something like: If you make eye contact, I will think you're into me. Or Hi I'm a nice guy, if your polite so am I. Or maybe even, I'm unavailable. Or If I were a cartoon I'd be a snake with some big gold bling hanging around my neck... I don't know... something.
This guy looked normal in work coveralls, so unsuspecting but he was a sleezoid. The rest of the day I felt like I wanted to walk around with my head down and not making eye contact for fear someone else would think I'm giving them an invitation to call me 'baby' making my skin crawl.
"Baby, baby, baby.... ugh!!"

Disclaimer: Sometimes I overreact to the mundane or the simply unimportant. I believe its called being obsessive ;>

Funny me...

2006-03-24T09:32:00.000-05:00

Ok yesterday my friend Chris and I were talking birthdays. Mine is the next in line, and its July 21st. So I started thinking ok I will be twenty-six this year... "la dee da" I go merrily on my way. Then I see my age on my blog thingy and realize I will be twenty-seven this year!! Ok, I know its not really momentus, but its so funny, so very me.
I usually go ahead and say I'm the next age up after Christmas time. But this year I only thought I had done that... so now I'm all a muddle. Good thing I have a blog so I can keep track of how old I am!!
Well at least this year I don't feel like I'm going nowhere fast. In fact I feel twenty-seven and I like it... go figure. I just hope I can remember how old I am until July...

Another me scenario, after work on Wednesday I decide to drive to Columbus before church. I leave my mom a message and then put my cell phone on the seat next to me. On the way a gravel truck in front of me decides to turn and I put on the breaks (ok, I break hard, I was speeding). That's when my cell phone slides off the seat of the truck into a big glass of iced tea in my cup holder. I, of course, don't notice. I drive to Columbus and run my erands. Then I realize Mom hasn't called me back. That's when I find my phone bathing in my tea. I laugh very hard for a while, and remember that I can go get another phone in town. But wait! All my numbers are lost!! I am not the kind of girl who writes them down, I just enter them into my phone. Now I alternate between laughter and anger. So I head over to the CellONE office and redeem my free phone upgrade that I turned down two weeks ago via telemarketer. And reenter as many numbers as I can for the next couple of days...

A note for all you readers out there: When you make your phone list on your cell and save the number, you are not saving it to your SIM card, which is the harddrive of your phone. You are just saving to your phone's memory. You have to manually save each number to your SIM if you want to really save them, then your SIM can go to each new phone you have. Because even tea doesn't corrupt your SIM. Lesson learned!

gift-wrapped

2006-03-20T10:20:00.000-05:00

God's gifts aren't always tied up with pink bows. Sometimes the strings aren't tied up at all. There are times in life when his gifts are unexpected. There are times when his gifts unfurl gradually like the opening of a bud.

There are days when you feel decisively odd or less than attractive, so you talk with God. You tell it like it is, and God that he is, he takes it right on the kisser- without need for apology. In turn he doesn't lay you out, as you so equally deserve, but instead gives you peace, contentment. Now this contentment comes only in waves, as the sea. You are not submerged in it. No, gently it rolls over you. Bathing you. Then you, of course being you, try to resurface and it rolls away. Out once more, only to come in again. A sea of contentment. A gift.

A dear friend allows herself to be the fragrance of peace and assurance. And through the rare rose of friendship you see that maybe there is nothing implacably wrong with you. Maybe you are not as odd as you thought. Maybe you are... just tall.

During a Lenten luncheon you sit next to an elderly lady you have never met. In the middle of the hymn sing she motions for you to lean near. She needs to tell you something. Taking you quite by surprise she whispers, "you are beautiful."

The gift's of God are complex and simple, big and small, instant and in progress. They are your journey, and they are your pain. These gifts are sweet, severe mercies. Gifts that leave scars and rejoicing. Whose remembrance is sweet, like the giver. These gifts call on us to say thanks be to God. To cry out: Thanks be to God. Because sometimes those are the only words the soul knows to say.

Jack

2006-03-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

Jack is my (for lack of better term) god-nephew. I am known as Auntie Dani, which I love!
He is the most beautiful little boy, so sweet and funny- he get's the funny part from me, it has nothing to do with his parents.. ;>
Anyhoo... I was watching him the other night and he had a little fever, he was teething. So, he was fussy and needy.

SIDE NOTE: Most of the time he isn't a snuggler, you know. Some babies are... not this little man! He has never been one who liked to be held close, even as a newborn Jess would hold him and he'd sprawl out and want as much room as possible.

I hate it when he feels bad like this... really! But when he is sick, all he wants is to sit with his Dani and watch cartoons or Conan the Barbarian... (ok, he doesn't care what's on TV). But he just sits there, all cuddled close and its so bloody fabulous!! I mean it's like "could I love this little man anymore!" I'm glad you're better Jackie-boy but I miss the couch time!

Kind people...

2006-02-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

Of late, I decided that there are not enough kind people in the world. So those that are kind should be told that they are. If I did not write to you or tell you this in person, please know that I thank all of those people who would do a kindness for others. Like picking a girl up when her car is making awful noises, or letting said girl talk your ear off about a dumb problem. So thanks to all of you who are kind. Do not stop!! But also be careful about giving rides to strangers... I mean that!

Dry Land

2006-01-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

One weekend a couple of weeks ago God pulled me out of the water. For days I had been overwhelmed with my many commitments, was missing my family and facing my own disillusionment. Not to mention making small daily decisions concerning priority spending: purchase a new long distance plan vs. paying my exorbitant cell phone bill. Part of being over-committed is being busy. So busy you don’t have time to deal, until your pseudo day off rolls around. Pseudo because that day there is no set schedule, no people to meet with, just a to do list that weighs on you like Dickens. So you wake up and have nowhere to be and dissolve into an Olympic sized puddle of tears, with no end in sight.
Basic coping skills take over: call Mom and leave town.
Mom is the ever-present balm, talking with her puts the world aright. Next, leave town: get out, go to a movie, see a friend, and take a time out.
It takes a good friend to deal with you in your needy, I-cried-all-day state of mind. It’s this kind of friend who, though unaware you're treading water, offers conversation, laughter and chocolate milk. Even when they would normally already be asleep in front of the TV.
Yet the next day I still feel waterlogged. In Sunday School I play the hypocrite. I try to coax my kids into coming up with praises during prayer time. When I myself have to pause and take extensive inventory before coming up with the general (but true), thanks for family and friends.
Then everything changes. Sunday School becomes holy ground. Peter walked out on the water to be near his Christ and yes, he looked down and saw the choppy water, became afraid and started to sink. He doubted, he sunk; but that should not be the focus. We all sink! No shock there. The shock is that our Christ still reaches out his hand and pulls us up to stand with him on the turbulent waves. He says “o ye of little faith,” but he does not let go. He does not let go!
And in Church... the pastor becomes prophet and the message becomes more. A little known disciple leads you to a fig tree where God knows you and your purpose, great or small. And he knows all that you are and it’s enough. It’s enough, and you can see dry land.

drivel from the narcisistic paranoid psyche...

2006-01-18T10:36:00.001-05:00

I have become one of 'those' people... and I can't even stop myself. You know the 'those' that I mean. One of those people who IM one message too many or who stay to talk ten minutes after her brilliance has worn off. Seriously, I see it all the time. Please, I am not looking for validation...really! Not this time anyway.
Its just that I can't stop. I don't know what it is? Honestly, I have been on the phone with people like me and I love them, but the peak in our conversation was ten minutes earlier and now the whole thing has become intolerably boreing. I hate that I am now 'that' person. That person for whom I set my online status to appear offline, when I'm really there. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about because I've seen most of you do it. I just hope you weren't doing it to avoid me...but since I am one of the 'those,' I can understand. I would avoid me in my needy long talking never ending...(well you get the picture) moments, too.

maybe I am loved...

2005-10-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

I was looking back at things I had written in the last year or so and they seem so odd. I write as my sounding board. My place for release. So yes all the ugly me gets to rear its head and open its mouth. But still reading some of this stuff is just so funny. There are some recurring themes that I could still rant about but... Mostly I think I have learned so much and maybe it is just understanding the ground rulesof life, but my friendships are and I am okay. So maybe I am loved seems appropriate thinking right now. Nobody is perfect, so peoples' love will not be perfect, and maybe after needy love comes real love. Real as in dented sometimes and beautiful the next.

Things I have learned or accepted:

Love is love in any fractured state.
Babies (anyone's) are truly gifts of grace.
ADD medicine will not miraculously cure odd character traits.
I have friends who love me.
If the only friend I had was my mother, for the rest of my days, that would be okay.
I really, really like my sister.
I miss my Papa.
I will be a damn fine nurse.
Regret is a waste of tears.
Minute by minute in faith is the best way to live.
Some people talk and say nothing.
Simplicity is underated.
Insurance should be the right of all citizens.
Being soft-hearted is not a curse.
Protecting yourself takes too much out of life.
I will live with my heart on my sleeve and my ideals in my eyes.
God is with me. And I am still with him.
Money is the root of all anxiety.
I am a hippie mystic Christian.
I will be okay.

The Birthday Present...

2005-07-24T10:40:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday was my birthday. I turned twenty-six years old. It was a big birthday for me for various reasons, but amidst life plan reorganization and reflection came one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received...
After teaching at VBS that night I went over to the parsonage to sit and unwind in my customary way. Once there my wonderful friend Jessica handed me a box tied up in ribbon. Amid apologies about the wrapping and crafting of the gift I unwrapped something incredibly moving and special. It was a photo album expertly covered in blue burlap. It took me a few seconds to comprehend just what the album held. Very prettily displayed in protective coverings were letters and notes, well wishes for my birthday from the people in my life: friends, family, church members, even pets. I hadn't yet read the letters or made my way past the names of the first few contributers when I was overcome with emotion.
-Sitting here now trying to think up words to describe how I felt at that moment a single word seems to keep popping up- significance. Significance washed over me and I was honored and humbled and grateful.-
As I sat there trying to check my tears, hearing how she had contacted my family, friends, and our church members I was awed. Awed not only by her innovative thoughtfulness and everyone's ability to keep a secret, but also because I had no idea how much I wanted or needed to be a significant part of life for those around me. Her gift cemented in my mind and heart the knowledge that whether it was with a smile, a laugh or in song I had made impact.
Later when I got home I sat down and read all of the letters, notes and funny poems. Mostly as I read I smiled, at times I laughed out loud and yes, several times there were tears too. I went to bed that night with a happy heart and a little headache from all the tears, but most of all I went to bed grateful. And for me that was something I hadn't felt in a while. Grateful.
"And the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah's head, shading him from the sun. This eased some of his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful..." Jonah 4:6

Why the Sparrow's Nest?

2005-07-05T10:44:00.000-04:00

My first blog was entitled the Sparrow's nest. After three years of blogging somehow most of my blog was lost. I sill can't find some of the posts. But here I explain why I titled the blog thusly.

In Louisa May Alcott's Jack and Jill at the death of a child an old hymn is installed in the writing:
Not a sparrow falleth but its God doth know,
Just as when his mandate lays a monarch low;
Not a leaflet moveth, but its God doth see,
Think not, then, O mortal, God forgeteth thee.
Far more precious surely than the birds that fly
Is a Father’s image to a Father’s eye.
E’en thy hairs are numbered; trust Him full and free,
Cast thy cares before Him, He will comfort thee;
For God planted in thy breast a soul,
On his sacred tables doth thy name enroll.
Cheer thine heart, then, mortal, never faithless be,
He that marks the sparrows will remember thee.
So often I feel like a sparrow.

Alone.
Looking down upon the crowds of rushing ravenous people. Ravenous for hurry, for life, for the days end and days beginning. When all that I want is to find a nest somewhere to brave the wind and torrents of life.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top. --Psalm 102:7

Found.
It is odd how you can feel alone yet found in the same moment. I feel found when I remember how fond the Lord is of his people, how he truly madly loves me. That love is my nest.
Yea, the sparrow hath found an house, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, thine altars, O Lord of hosts, my King, and my God. --Psalm 84:3

So this is where I nest.